Wednesday 17 January 2018

Be Fair To Your Partner But Be Fair To Yourself Too

Longest time guys. Had so many things going on business wise so I literally didn't have much time to write. But I just can't resist this particular topic or rather issue we commonly face in relationships.

However,I believe that we all are very egocentric by nature as human beings that we are and most of the times we assume that world spins around us. ME ,MY needs,MY feelings,MY values,MY desires,MY fears. ME ME ME & some more ME. But yet we are involved with someone and that person also has his/her own ME as well. Problem.

That's how we most of the times get angry when partner doesn't share exactly the same interests,passions,points of view as we do and it's enough to start a war. Drama. Who's selfish and who's not?

Just like most of you (I know you are finding this familiar)I was insisting,arguing,demanding. But then when someone else wants to impact their own will on me,I feel oppressed. Caged. I feel like I can't be who I truly am and OMG.... it's a terrible feeling ! Then I asked myself: "Then who gave you right to do it do someone else?". Not just anyone,but person I claim I love. Huh?
The truth is ,we often misunderstand "relationships" for "ownership". And with time, the idea of "ownership" grows stronger and stronger,especially when we get married. Now that's the time we confidently  feel like we (especially men through) have absolute right on other person's freedom. But we don't. Especially not in the name of Love. Because Love liberates.

Life is too short. We can't make someone do things or be at the places where their heart doesn't want them to be just because we decided so. Even if person doesn't have strong mind ,courage or heart  to confront you,do you ,from the bottom of your heart,think its fair ? When did Love became obligation or demand? How can you forbid someone you love to do what makes him/her truly happy ? Is it because you decided it's "inappropriate" ? I don't see the point though. Because even if they obey your will and stop doing what pleases their hearts ,it will definitely make them sad and depressed. So what's the point again? Is your demand based on Love? Or your demand is meant to satisfy your hungry Ego /Pride or Insecurities?

Just be fair.

Every man & woman deserves freedom because its an ultimate and the most universal human right in this world. Who are we to make someone's life difficult because they want things done differently then we pictured in our heads.

But also,don't forget to be fair to yourself. As you respect other people's needs,desires and interests you should not forget about your own as well. Many of us keep suffocating and "sacrificing" our own so that we please other people's egocentric expectations towards us and in order to "earn" approval or maybe even "love" and that's so wrong. Because you as well deserve to be loved simply for who you are. And happy & free to live according to what moves you. Don't ever even think that someone will "love you more" because you gave up on what makes you happy to satisfy them. It can never ever happen.
Also if who your partner truly is hurts you feelings and makes you feel unhappy: you have no right to force him/her to change. It's who he/she is. But you also have obligation to protect yourself and let go of what you can't handle. You can't also force yourself into frames that can't fit you.

After all, all we have is this one life. Do what makes you happy regardlessly. Unapologetically.

And remember:
Without FREEDOM ,LOVE can't exist.

Thursday 24 August 2017

To Walk Away Or Try Harder?

Isn't this the biggest doubt of the century? Should we let go,set ourselves free and move on or try bit harder and stay bit longer because,you know, miracles happen every day? Isn't that what they say?But they also say that, in order to move forward in life, we need to let go of old weights that keep holding us back.
If you are facing such a dilemma at the moment,I am also very sure that your heart is very heavy and that you are dealing with pain,anxiety,frustration and bad ass confusions,desperately trying to understand what have you done wrong and all the wrongs that has been done to you. Who was right? Who is to be blamed? Every sacrifice,every mistake,regrets,anger,sadness and ,once again,dilemma.
Should I walk away or just,try harder?

First of all,to know what is right for you ,you need to love yourself to the point you would understand that being mistreated in any way simply can't be an option. Love yourself enough to be happy all by yourself so you won't tolerate anyone in your life who is taking away from the peace and happiness you have already built all alone.
Love yourself so much so settling won't be an option.
If you love yourself,you will not justify any humiliating or violent actions towards you (whether is in the name of "love",jealousy,tradition,or because you simply "deserved it" for not being correct enough).
Once you learn how to love yourself,you will also start believing in yourself and that will open your eyes to the fact that you actually don't need anyone else to achieve what God Almighty has planned for you and it will allow you to be in someone's life only because you want to (Want VS Need).
Desperate is only a human being who is not aware of his own worth . Don't be that human being. Love yourself strongly and continuously and don't ever let anyone confuse you or make you forget how worthy and powerful you are ,all by yourself,just the way you are.

Secondly,I have learnt that there is no such thing as a wrong decision,as long as we live according to it. The only wrong decisions are FEAR and DOUBT in your moves.
Which means : no regrets and no "what ifs".
You are always at the right place at the right time. Best believe.
If you leave,stop looking back,wishing or doubting. Look forward .You have power of choice so stay true to it and believe in it. It was your choice and it's always right,as long as there is optimism,enthusiasm,gratitude and excitement attached to it. 
As long as your vibration is high on positive energy,good things and good people will always come your way ,even if you were stripped of everything you ever had. That is just a law of life.

Thirdly... you must stop deceiving yourself. I need you to ask yourself: What do I really want and how does it makes me feel like? If it brings you happiness and joy while thinking of it,if it makes you feel good in general,that for sure means it will materialize into reality very soon.That means you want what you want for a right  reasons. But if you think you want your relationship to work because you don't want to have "people talking" ,face "public embarrassment ",get your parents upset or because you think you can't do without your partner's financial support or her home cooked meals,then ,my friend,YOU don't really want it. At least not for yourself.

Forgive and learn how to express yourself and listen to understand ,not to replay. No one knows where shoes you wear hurts the most. To you,nothing will ever be bigger than your own sacrifice,effort and heartache . But it is exactly the same way your partner feels like.As I said, there is no wrong and right,everything is just a matter of perspective,but lack of mutual empathy can never make a relationship between two imperfect human beings healthy.

Finally,"unfinished business" will always hunt your soul. The only way you can "earn" freedom to finish with one chapter of your life and  move on is when you,from the bottom of your heart, between you and God Almighty, know you gave your absolute best  and things still didn't happen to work out.

Always remember :
You were not brought into this world to suffer so never allow anyone make you feel bad because you decided not to settle for it,and....
....What is coming is better than what is gone.
Do not be scared.
Life is a beautiful journey but the main rewards always goes to brave ones .

Wednesday 12 July 2017

The Reason Why Marriages Turns Into A Source of Agony,Frustration & Misery

There are folks who desperately want to get married,but marriage as well scares tones of people.
I was not a person who ever believed in marriage as an institution.
Don't get it twisted - I always believed in love ,I just thought that the whole drama that comes with institutionalizing it is quite pointless and unnecessary. Like,what the piece of paper changes exactly? I felt like that paper is not there for a couple but for the society so you can prove to the world around you that your love is "that" serious. For real?
Secondly,I was wondering why most of people who are actually married don't seem excited and happy about it,in fact,I always used to get impression (from their body languages and face expressions maybe) like they are exhausted,bored and annoyed to death.
Meanwhile,everyone is generally much more enthusiastic while dating.Let me ask again,what that little piece of paper does to people? How does marriage certificate changes nature of relationship between two people for worse? Hello?!

Even when I finally got married,some fears were still present and my resistance towards marriage as an institution didn't completely vanish.

Norms. Terms. Regulations. Obligations. Expectations.Rules.
Is that what marriage is all about? Someone already prescribed what we "must" do as "married women" or "married men". And even before we get married ,we are already seriously brainwashed with tones of expectations and that is,in my opinion,the source of most issues,frustration and fights that follow the famous institution of marriage.

Let me explain.

Moment you start feeling like your partner has obligation to do or not do certain things,you automatically close space and door for appreciation. "Wait ,must I clap for you because you made me a dinner? Are you not my wife?" Or " What is a big deal,you did not do me a favor,you are just providing for your family like a man was suppose to! Or what,I should go to other men and ask them to get it done for me?"
You feel me?

That shit doesn't normally happen while we are dating as much as it happens when we marry,simply because we now feel like other person owe us for being our spouse and the expectations the idea of marriage programs in our minds makes us take all the efforts your partner makes  -for granted. " Isn't that what he/she was suppose to do anyways?"

Expectations based on these "norms" also make us always seek for what is not there instead of focusing on beautiful moments,features  and gestures  that are present.
Just because someone was brainwashing you all your life about what "marriage was suppose to be" doesn't mean it must happen that way, to the book. It's not a script we try to manifest in reality.
Every couple's story is different,individual and unique,so focus on you two and stop comparing your partner to your mother,father  or lives other married people live (or you think they do).

Start focusing on effort.You will see how hard your partner actually tries for you. Train yourself to see everything he/she does for you as an act of his/hers good,free will (despite the fact your mom did it for your dad everyday or vica versa) and you will start loving them on a whole different level.
Because,the truth is,whether you like it or not,he/she did not really have to do it at the end of the day,

The truth is,as human beings that we are,our worst behavior comes out when we feel unappreciated,taken for granted,unnoticed and not valued enough. That is how you start holding a heavy heart and hard feelings against your partner and it affects your general attitude towards him/her. Women start nagging,complaining,always unhappy and moody,men stop coming back home. That is how married couples create a gap and distance between each other and end up living like roommates,if not strangers.

The whole beauty of union between two people is not about wearing a ring or posting Instagram quotes and "couple goals" pictures ,it is is in appreciation.
The moment you forget to appreciate,you will stop seeing how loved and special you actually are to that person and magic will vanish.

I know it is not easy,but forget rules and norms. It's not about what a married man or a woman was suppose or not suppose to do,say,wear.
Don't allow it affect the raw nature of relationship you two already built for yourselves.
The one and only norm that must be obeyed is happiness and fun you need to have together.

Forget everyone else's opinion,marriage is for two of you only.
Let no one and nothing spoil your fun.

Wednesday 5 July 2017

TopSecret : How To Make Your Partner Change

"Things would be better if you only change" feels like a mission on it's own in 90% of relationships.
There is something you just can't deal with and you use all the energy,focus,strength and heart in you to make other person change because you assume: That is the only way we will be happy together. That is the way he/she was supposed to be/act/think/behave.

We never feel like the change we want to see is a bad change. Somehow, it is all about achieving what was suppose to be normal. For you own good as a couple,right? All in the name of Love.

Been there ,done that.

And I felt so right about it. But then ,when I felt like my partner is trying to change certain things about me,I started thinking differently about this whole matter. In fact,I felt offended. Less worthy. I took it so personal. Every bit of it.My Ego was crying,my pride was hurt.  More he talks about my flows,more I resist the change.
Wait a minute, wasn't I supposed to be loved for who I am?

What a bloody confusion.
So do we have a right to insist on changing someone we were suppose to love the way they are? Because that is what Love is about ,isn't it? It is all about acceptance,right?
Dilemma of life.

I observed myself. I observed my man. I took my time. I tried being objective.

First of all,we are human beings,which makes us super egocentric by nature (don't even try to deny it), which means: we tend to see the world around us in our own way,from our own ,very personal angle and,accordingly, we grow super strict expectations that we hold on to so anxiously,convinced about how right and "normal" things we expect are,hiding behind social and traditional norms,and our egocentric,(dictatorship kinda) nature makes us act like everyone around us must agree with it and accept it as their own reality.

And in relationships,we, apparently, do it all "in the name of Love". Or at least,that is what we claim.Could it be more ironic than this?. Lol. Love ain't got nothing to do with it. We do it to satisfy that egocentric nature of ours.  That is how we end up being so obsessed with looking for flaws,imperfections,wrongs and for what to change and for what is just "not fair" and "not right",instead of simply enjoying and stop resisting the happiness that is already there. 

And that is the source of the problems we have.

More you look for imperfections in your partner,more you will find them. I promise you.

The reason why the quality of a relationship drops during the time is not because partners changed,but because we change THE FOCUS from good features and decide to give all our attention,heart,passion and time to the bad ones.

And guess what,what we focus on grows.

I am not saying you have to settle for rubbish treatments,disrespect or for anything less that you dream of. You know I do not believe in settling. Ever.
But sometimes,in relationships, be become delusional,lost and confused because emotions are involved.
That is why,you have to know the person you are with. Weight Good VS Bad in him/her so you know if he/she is what you truly want.
If yes,it's actually very easy to make them become your dream partner  and make all these little flows disappear.Not buy changing them directly,but by changing the only thing you have absolute power and control over: your own perception about them.

Moment you start practicing Loving Actions towards your man (or a woman),you will understand what I am talking about. But don't ever get it twisted: Loving Actions are not harsh,disturbing,or loud. Loving Actions are not an excuse for you to nag,complain,regret,blackmail.Loving Actions are all about embracing goodness you discovered in your partner and about discovering some more. Loving Actions means encouragement and support without looking for anything in return. You don't do it for the count. It's simply a loving action.

That is exactly what my husband used to change me ,but than, I actually changed myself ,he was just loving me for who I am by focusing on the goodness in me.
I did the same for him when I finally let go of my egocentric nature that insisted on particular scenario of how was he suppose to behave,act and react,and replaced with Loving Actions that helped him overcome all the issues or personal,even childhood challenges he had to deal with.

So before you let your egocentric nature convince you that there is a strict plan and program about how your partner should behave,act,think,love you,dress and express himself (herself),ask yourself how we would you feel like if someone constantly focus on your flows and imperfections and what is not right and correct about you?Let me tell you right away: Absolutely unappreciated and invisible. Like there is nothing to love about you ,just the way you are. And how could you ever possibly give the best of you to someone who makes you feel that way?

So let go of your egocentric nature,let go of that silly idea that everyone around you must see the world,"rights" and "wrongs", the way you do,let go of what people will say or think,let go of social norms and everything else that creates all sorts of ridiculous expectations that will make you forget how to appreciate and enjoy everything good that is already there and just LOVE yourself,your partner without a fear,calculation or doubt and you will see how problems and issues melt simply because we stopped feeding them attention and we focused on fulfilling our purpose as someone's partner.

Because LOVE is the strongest,most powerful  force in the Universe . It moves mountains and gives birth to miracles.

Tuesday 16 May 2017

"All Men Are The Same!!!".......Wait,What About GOOD Ones?? And The Truth About Women Who Claim That All Men Are The Same?

Men are scums.
Men this .
Men that.
All men are the same.
A man will always be a man.
All men cheat.
Men lie.
Men are players

I am sure you have heard this many,many times,if not said yourself  .
Seems like most women see men as a sort of heartless aliens we have absolutely nothing in common with. As if they came from another planet to hurt us,play us and lie to us. Emotionally cold,cruel creatures,moved by urges and libido.
Familiar ?

For sure,I am my sister's keeper. For some time now I use my platforms to help women all across the globe understand that their destiny is not to learn how to settle for suffering,poor treatments and misery while trapped in a role of a submissive little housewives. Yes,I strongly believe a woman must know her worth and what defines her as a female and a human being:sexually,emotionally,spiritually before she allows society or a man do it for her.

But I also love,cherish and respect men.
Yes ,I do.

And I know that no woman can be treated badly UNLESS she stays and settles for it. Unless she allows it herself as I strongly believe in a power of personal choice,no matter circumstances. That is why I tend to teach women importance of self love: because a woman that truly loves,values and respects herself would  never settle for being treated poorly by no man in this world. She is familiar with her worth and she has nothing to prove to anyone.

Empowered woman will know how to stand for herself,she won't make excuses for her man while being abused,humiliated ,cheated and lied on, but you need to know,I don't support extreme cases where men are being stigmatized and blamed for everything. Why? As I said,no one can do us wrong unless we allow them by staying where we are not happy. And that is nothing but a very personal choice. Got that?

I am here to tell you that there are still good people out there.
Good men. With amazing qualities and pure intentions. Men that crave love. Loyal men. I really meet them all the time (and I am also raising one by God's grace),some of them are my very good friends,however, I feel bad when I see how we bash them and unfairly put them all under the same nasty category. It's really not the case all the time.

And for all young ladies, please don't trust everything you hear. Do not judge the world around you based on bitter experience of few women you came across,no matter how close they are to you.  Keep in mind that ladies who call men "all the same" actually talk out of their very personal,painful experiences based around one man or maybe two and has absolutely nothing to do with entire mankind. ( 7 billion people in this world,how could you possibly know if they are all the same?Lol)
If a woman convinced  herself that "all men cheat/lie/etc..",even though she might not be right,do not take it against her. It is a mechanism of defense. She did it to justify what she allowed herself go through and such woman will never accept any other truth because it would shift her out of the comfort zone she created for herself to function in such relationship without feeling too bad about herself. 

If you personally had a bad experience where you felt like someone hurt or betrayed you,and at the same time you are looking forward to start a new relationship-it is time to let go of of fear,anger and bitterness you carry along from past ,otherwise you will keep attracting exactly the same type of experiences in future because what we focus on grows.

Note: Our past experiences are there to help us get to know ourselves,our potentials and capacities better and not to make general opinions about opposite sex. Once you learn how to love and accept yourself to the fullest, you will not have a fear of someone doing you wrong because you know you won't even consider staying around anyone who happens not to recognize and appreciate your worth.

I will repeat again,there are good and honest men out there (and very single!),and no,it is not utopia and I am not a story teller. And no,good men are not "reserved" for them "lucky girls". They come to women who know what they deserve and do not settle for less. Trust me.I talk from my experience .

More we cherish them, more we will see them.  Do not allow bitterness or fear blind you.

Let's work on becoming better,not bitter!
The best is yet to come!

Saturday 13 May 2017

CHEATING PARTNER ALERT : The Only Person That Can Break Your Home Is The One You or Your Partner Allow IN! (BE CAREFUL WHO YOU REFER TO AS A "HOME BREAKER"!)

We certainly create our personal realities with our beliefs and personal life experiences and I really have no doubt about that.

I never had an intention of forcing my own beliefs on  anyone,especially when it comes to love and marriage, and I don't believe in "right/wrong":it is all matter of our personal perspectives.

If a woman convinced  herself that "all men cheat",she did it to justify what she allowed herself go through and such woman will never accept any other truth because it would shift her out of the comfort zone she created for herself to function in such relationship. 
And there can no be any further argument.Different life experiences bring us different realities.

However,if you truly believe that infidelity is a normal,usual something all of us must live with ("every man cheats" etc) and you simply settled for it,as you believe it's an ultimate fact,and if you,at the same time,found a way to live with such reality and be happy and protect your peace of mind ,then I am happy that you are feeling good and fulfilled because that is a purpose of life.Hey,whatever rocks your boat. 

But if  such relationship makes you feel bitter,insecure,sad,miserable,depressed,anxious and angry,then you have a problem because I do not believe you were brought into this world to suffer. 

I for sure know that your whole anger and frustration is directed towards them bitches that can not respect the fact that he is taken but.....It's not a side chick that is a source of your issue. 
Let's be real: one will go ,another one will come. You already know.

Note,no one can break your home unless you or your partner open door for them and allow them in. 

That is why I truly believe that "home breaker" is actually a married person that decides to get himself (herself) into an affair. 

Most of you justify man's actions (just for the sake of his sex)and at the same time put the whole blame on them women for "daring" to seduce a "poor little naive,innocent thing". I am a married woman sef,but this way of thinking doesn't make much sense to me and I will explain you why.

Yes and unfortunately,women's solidarity is not familiar to every female and some girls do not care if men they are after are married or not,BUT,honestly,that "side chick" doesn't have any obligation towards your home (unless she is maybe your family member or a close friend). 

The person that has obligation to protect and keep your home safe is most likely the same person you decided to build it with.  Yes ,your partner. 

Clearly,it was not that other woman that committed to you but your "other half" did. (unless you guys willingly and mutually agreed on polygamy or open relationship). So whatever the third lady does has nothing to do with you. But the way your partner responds,does!

Don't ever get me wrong,I never said it's ok for girls to chase after married men for which ever reason,but the person who should be an adult and responsible enough not to put your home to risk is that human being you call your man because it's his home as well.
Last time I have checked,it's not by force to have an affair. Both men and women get involved in such with their good and free will.

However,ask yourself : can you spend the rest of your life in misery and bitterness ,comparing yourself to all sorts of different women you have found in his phone,doubting your worth and credibility as a woman, threatening,hating and spying on "side chicks" and shouting to leave your man alone and have a heavy heart every time he comes home late? 

I am asking you now: Is that a life? 
I am not telling you how to live your life,but if your heart can not handle such treatment, then let go of it. Stop convincing yourself that it can not get better then that because "all men.." ...blah.

In my opinion,I do not think that two people can build a life together if honesty lacks.No one is perfect,but TRUST is a must for me.

Personally, I think infidelity has nothing to do with sex. Men and women both equally cheat for different reasons,just that women know how to hide it better since infidelity was never a socially acceptable behavior for a woman as it was for a man all through the history.

And I do not even think that men have a higher or stronger libido then women (trust me!) so I do not buy all these biological theories that claim cheating as a part of men's DNA and nature. Everything is a question of choice.

But I am also very sure that there are faithful people out there (if that's what your heart really craves,do not settle for less). That is not an utopia.I know them. I meet them. There are real and honest men and women out there and it is very unfair to discredit them with "all men/women are the same....." kinda attitude just because you had a nasty,painful experience.

Infidelity is not a matter of circumstances or sex,it is determined with how highly loyalty is rated in your personal system of values . That is all.

I just don't think you should settle for anything that makes you unhappy,bitter and miserable just because you managed to convince yourself that it is the way it was supposed to be and that "everyone gets cheated on". Believe it or not,that is not always the case.

Remember, true happiness is an ultimate purpose of this our short life and not how we appear on the outside for others to judge us.  

Stop looking for who to blame while settling for being treated the way you did not dream of when you were a little girl. Focus on you. Your life is truly all about you and it is never too late to set your priorities in the way that will work for you the best .

There is no shame in the fact you refuse to settle for anything that does not please your soul. 

Saturday 6 May 2017

A Bright Future After Shameful Past?

So many people run away from their past. They are ashamed. They feel like some life choices from God knows when would destroy their reputation,chase away important people from their lives or ruin their future in general.

The truth is you get labeled real quick in this our society like no one has ever sinned before. Everyone holier then thou.

But must your past affect your future?

Let me tell you straight up as an imperfect sinner that I am and that you are : you have absolute right not to be the same person you were yesterday.

I will start from myself: Sonia from 2014,2010,2008 is not the same Sonia typing this for you. It's like we are talking about different people.

You would  simply not do/settle/agree with everything the very same you did even a year ago. And guess what? That's absolutely fine!
A wise man said once:The only constant thing in this world is change. 

Do we work this hard and go through everything we do to stay the same?
Hell no.

I feel like there were so many different people living inside this same body of mine. People with different mindsets,habits,ideas.My life philosophy changed. My ways changed. So many times.
You have right to change your features or anything else about you when you understand that it does not work for your best interest anymore. 
Am I ashamed of all the Sonia's I have met for past 26 years of my life? No. I made a peace with them because all of them had a powerful impact on the person I am proudly today. I have learned how to love and appreciate my past despite the fact that I could as well be ashamed of it. All the experiences and life choices I have made,no matter how wrong,right or shameful they are built this Sonia you know. How precious is that?

Maya Angelou once said: "When you know better,you do better".
It is actually as simple as that. So many times we just don't know. How to know? From where? Experience is the teacher. That is where wisdom comes from. It was not installed in our hearts from the very first day we were brought into this world. Period. We don't always know,but we learn.
And that is just fine my love.

The change we face is nothing but a proof of growth and that is why it's very wrong to discredit your past by being ashamed of it or running away from it.

For sure,not everyone will like the fact that you are growing bigger,wiser,stronger because  it will change your level to the point it passes their own.

"Look at her forming ......... till yesterday she used to....." blah.
"I know this one from way before,the way he was............smh"
"I used to see her doing.........who does she think she is now"

 That is the reason why they become angry and that is the time when they will try and use "embarrassing dirt" from your past against you so they can feel better about themselves and stagnation they face. Clearly,that has absolutely nothing to do with their "morals" or what so every they tend to hide under. When they start talking about who you "used" to be it is because they fear who you are about to become. 

That is why you should not allow it to discourage you and sabotage your growth. Don't ever let it happen.
That is why it's always the best to make a peace with your past even though you might not be the same person anymore.Because what you embrace can never be used against you.

No matter what happened a year,5 or 10 years ago,you deserve the greatness a future can bring.You deserve that change and your past is just a result of you not knowing everything you know today.

Be grateful for it.

Sky is your starting point.

Love you!