Wednesday, 12 July 2017

The Reason Why Marriages Turns Into A Source of Agony,Frustration & Misery

There are folks who desperately want to get married,but marriage as well scares tones of people.
I was not a person who ever believed in marriage as an institution.
Don't get it twisted - I always believed in love ,I just thought that the whole drama that comes with institutionalizing it is quite pointless and unnecessary. Like,what the piece of paper changes exactly? I felt like that paper is not there for a couple but for the society so you can prove to the world around you that your love is "that" serious. For real?
Secondly,I was wondering why most of people who are actually married don't seem excited and happy about it,in fact,I always used to get impression (from their body languages and face expressions maybe) like they are exhausted,bored and annoyed to death.
Meanwhile,everyone is generally much more enthusiastic while dating.Let me ask again,what that little piece of paper does to people? How does marriage certificate changes nature of relationship between two people for worse? Hello?!

Even when I finally got married,some fears were still present and my resistance towards marriage as an institution didn't completely vanish.

Norms. Terms. Regulations. Obligations. Expectations.Rules.
Is that what marriage is all about? Someone already prescribed what we "must" do as "married women" or "married men". And even before we get married ,we are already seriously brainwashed with tones of expectations and that is,in my opinion,the source of most issues,frustration and fights that follow the famous institution of marriage.

Why?
How?
Let me explain.

Moment you start feeling like your partner has obligation to do or not do certain things,you automatically close space and door for appreciation. "Wait ,must I clap for you because you made me a dinner? Are you not my wife?" Or " What is a big deal,you did not do me a favor,you are just providing for your family like a man was suppose to! Or what,I should go to other men and ask them to get it done for me?"
You feel me?

That shit doesn't normally happen while we are dating as much as it happens when we marry,simply because we now feel like other person owe us for being our spouse and the expectations the idea of marriage programs in our minds makes us take all the efforts your partner makes  -for granted. " Isn't that what he/she was suppose to do anyways?"

Expectations based on these "norms" also make us always seek for what is not there instead of focusing on beautiful moments,features  and gestures  that are present.
Just because someone was brainwashing you all your life about what "marriage was suppose to be" doesn't mean it must happen that way, to the book. It's not a script we try to manifest in reality.
Every couple's story is different,individual and unique,so focus on you two and stop comparing your partner to your mother,father  or lives other married people live (or you think they do).

Start focusing on effort.You will see how hard your partner actually tries for you. Train yourself to see everything he/she does for you as an act of his/hers good,free will (despite the fact your mom did it for your dad everyday or vica versa) and you will start loving them on a whole different level.
Because,the truth is,whether you like it or not,he/she did not really have to do it at the end of the day,

The truth is,as human beings that we are,our worst behavior comes out when we feel unappreciated,taken for granted,unnoticed and not valued enough. That is how you start holding a heavy heart and hard feelings against your partner and it affects your general attitude towards him/her. Women start nagging,complaining,always unhappy and moody,men stop coming back home. That is how married couples create a gap and distance between each other and end up living like roommates,if not strangers.

The whole beauty of union between two people is not about wearing a ring or posting Instagram quotes and "couple goals" pictures ,it is is in appreciation.
The moment you forget to appreciate,you will stop seeing how loved and special you actually are to that person and magic will vanish.



I know it is not easy,but forget rules and norms. It's not about what a married man or a woman was suppose or not suppose to do,say,wear.
Don't allow it affect the raw nature of relationship you two already built for yourselves.
The one and only norm that must be obeyed is happiness and fun you need to have together.

Forget everyone else's opinion,marriage is for two of you only.
FOCUS MORE ON THE NATURE OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP THAN IDEA OF MARRIAGE EVEN AFTER YOU TIGHT KNOTS. Common,it is really not THAT serious.
Let no one and nothing spoil your fun.

Wednesday, 5 July 2017

TopSecret : How To Make Your Partner Change

"Things would be better if you only change" feels like a mission on it's own in 90% of relationships.
There is something you just can't deal with and you use all the energy,focus,strength and heart in you to make other person change because you assume: That is the only way we will be happy together. That is the way he/she was supposed to be/act/think/behave.

We never feel like the change we want to see is a bad change. Somehow, it is all about achieving what was suppose to be normal. For you own good as a couple,right? All in the name of Love.

Been there ,done that.

And I felt so right about it. But then ,when I felt like my partner is trying to change certain things about me,I started thinking differently about this whole matter. In fact,I felt offended. Less worthy. I took it so personal. Every bit of it.My Ego was crying,my pride was hurt.  More he talks about my flows,more I resist the change.
Wait a minute, wasn't I supposed to be loved for who I am?

What a bloody confusion.
So do we have a right to insist on changing someone we were suppose to love the way they are? Because that is what Love is about ,isn't it? It is all about acceptance,right?
Dilemma of life.

I observed myself. I observed my man. I took my time. I tried being objective.

First of all,we are human beings,which makes us super egocentric by nature (don't even try to deny it), which means: we tend to see the world around us in our own way,from our own ,very personal angle and,accordingly, we grow super strict expectations that we hold on to so anxiously,convinced about how right and "normal" things we expect are,hiding behind social and traditional norms,and our egocentric,(dictatorship kinda) nature makes us act like everyone around us must agree with it and accept it as their own reality.

And in relationships,we, apparently, do it all "in the name of Love". Or at least,that is what we claim.Could it be more ironic than this?. Lol. Love ain't got nothing to do with it. We do it to satisfy that egocentric nature of ours.  That is how we end up being so obsessed with looking for flaws,imperfections,wrongs and for what to change and for what is just "not fair" and "not right",instead of simply enjoying and stop resisting the happiness that is already there. 

And that is the source of the problems we have.


More you look for imperfections in your partner,more you will find them. I promise you.


The reason why the quality of a relationship drops during the time is not because partners changed,but because we change THE FOCUS from good features and decide to give all our attention,heart,passion and time to the bad ones.


And guess what,what we focus on grows.


I am not saying you have to settle for rubbish treatments,disrespect or for anything less that you dream of. You know I do not believe in settling. Ever.
But sometimes,in relationships, be become delusional,lost and confused because emotions are involved.
That is why,you have to know the person you are with. Weight Good VS Bad in him/her so you know if he/she is what you truly want.
If yes,it's actually very easy to make them become your dream partner  and make all these little flows disappear.Not buy changing them directly,but by changing the only thing you have absolute power and control over: your own perception about them.

Moment you start practicing Loving Actions towards your man (or a woman),you will understand what I am talking about. But don't ever get it twisted: Loving Actions are not harsh,disturbing,or loud. Loving Actions are not an excuse for you to nag,complain,regret,blackmail.Loving Actions are all about embracing goodness you discovered in your partner and about discovering some more. Loving Actions means encouragement and support without looking for anything in return. You don't do it for the count. It's simply a loving action.

That is exactly what my husband used to change me ,but than, I actually changed myself ,he was just loving me for who I am by focusing on the goodness in me.
I did the same for him when I finally let go of my egocentric nature that insisted on particular scenario of how was he suppose to behave,act and react,and replaced with Loving Actions that helped him overcome all the issues or personal,even childhood challenges he had to deal with.

So before you let your egocentric nature convince you that there is a strict plan and program about how your partner should behave,act,think,love you,dress and express himself (herself),ask yourself how we would you feel like if someone constantly focus on your flows and imperfections and what is not right and correct about you?Let me tell you right away: Absolutely unappreciated and invisible. Like there is nothing to love about you ,just the way you are. And how could you ever possibly give the best of you to someone who makes you feel that way?


So let go of your egocentric nature,let go of that silly idea that everyone around you must see the world,"rights" and "wrongs", the way you do,let go of what people will say or think,let go of social norms and everything else that creates all sorts of ridiculous expectations that will make you forget how to appreciate and enjoy everything good that is already there and just LOVE yourself,your partner without a fear,calculation or doubt and you will see how problems and issues melt simply because we stopped feeding them attention and we focused on fulfilling our purpose as someone's partner.

Because LOVE is the strongest,most powerful  force in the Universe . It moves mountains and gives birth to miracles.




Tuesday, 16 May 2017

"All Men Are The Same!!!".......Wait,What About GOOD Ones?? And The Truth About Women Who Claim That All Men Are The Same?

Men are scums.
Men this .
Men that.
All men are the same.
A man will always be a man.
All men cheat.
Men lie.
Men are players

I am sure you have heard this many,many times,if not said yourself  .
Seems like most women see men as a sort of heartless aliens we have absolutely nothing in common with. As if they came from another planet to hurt us,play us and lie to us. Emotionally cold,cruel creatures,moved by urges and libido.
Familiar ?

For sure,I am my sister's keeper. For some time now I use my platforms to help women all across the globe understand that their destiny is not to learn how to settle for suffering,poor treatments and misery while trapped in a role of a submissive little housewives. Yes,I strongly believe a woman must know her worth and what defines her as a female and a human being:sexually,emotionally,spiritually before she allows society or a man do it for her.

But I also love,cherish and respect men.
Yes ,I do.

And I know that no woman can be treated badly UNLESS she stays and settles for it. Unless she allows it herself as I strongly believe in a power of personal choice,no matter circumstances. That is why I tend to teach women importance of self love: because a woman that truly loves,values and respects herself would  never settle for being treated poorly by no man in this world. She is familiar with her worth and she has nothing to prove to anyone.

Empowered woman will know how to stand for herself,she won't make excuses for her man while being abused,humiliated ,cheated and lied on, but you need to know,I don't support extreme cases where men are being stigmatized and blamed for everything. Why? As I said,no one can do us wrong unless we allow them by staying where we are not happy. And that is nothing but a very personal choice. Got that?


I am here to tell you that there are still good people out there.
Good men. With amazing qualities and pure intentions. Men that crave love. Loyal men. I really meet them all the time (and I am also raising one by God's grace),some of them are my very good friends,however, I feel bad when I see how we bash them and unfairly put them all under the same nasty category. It's really not the case all the time.

And for all young ladies, please don't trust everything you hear. Do not judge the world around you based on bitter experience of few women you came across,no matter how close they are to you.  Keep in mind that ladies who call men "all the same" actually talk out of their very personal,painful experiences based around one man or maybe two and has absolutely nothing to do with entire mankind. ( 7 billion people in this world,how could you possibly know if they are all the same?Lol)
If a woman convinced  herself that "all men cheat/lie/etc..",even though she might not be right,do not take it against her. It is a mechanism of defense. She did it to justify what she allowed herself go through and such woman will never accept any other truth because it would shift her out of the comfort zone she created for herself to function in such relationship without feeling too bad about herself. 


If you personally had a bad experience where you felt like someone hurt or betrayed you,and at the same time you are looking forward to start a new relationship-it is time to let go of of fear,anger and bitterness you carry along from past ,otherwise you will keep attracting exactly the same type of experiences in future because what we focus on grows.

Note: Our past experiences are there to help us get to know ourselves,our potentials and capacities better and not to make general opinions about opposite sex. Once you learn how to love and accept yourself to the fullest, you will not have a fear of someone doing you wrong because you know you won't even consider staying around anyone who happens not to recognize and appreciate your worth.

I will repeat again,there are good and honest men out there (and very single!),and no,it is not utopia and I am not a story teller. And no,good men are not "reserved" for them "lucky girls". They come to women who know what they deserve and do not settle for less. Trust me.I talk from my experience .


More we cherish them, more we will see them.  Do not allow bitterness or fear blind you.

Let's work on becoming better,not bitter!
The best is yet to come!



Saturday, 13 May 2017

CHEATING PARTNER ALERT : The Only Person That Can Break Your Home Is The One You or Your Partner Allow IN! (BE CAREFUL WHO YOU REFER TO AS A "HOME BREAKER"!)

We certainly create our personal realities with our beliefs and personal life experiences and I really have no doubt about that.

I never had an intention of forcing my own beliefs on  anyone,especially when it comes to love and marriage, and I don't believe in "right/wrong":it is all matter of our personal perspectives.

If a woman convinced  herself that "all men cheat",she did it to justify what she allowed herself go through and such woman will never accept any other truth because it would shift her out of the comfort zone she created for herself to function in such relationship. 
And there can no be any further argument.Different life experiences bring us different realities.

However,if you truly believe that infidelity is a normal,usual something all of us must live with ("every man cheats" etc) and you simply settled for it,as you believe it's an ultimate fact,and if you,at the same time,found a way to live with such reality and be happy and protect your peace of mind ,then I am happy that you are feeling good and fulfilled because that is a purpose of life.Hey,whatever rocks your boat. 

But if  such relationship makes you feel bitter,insecure,sad,miserable,depressed,anxious and angry,then you have a problem because I do not believe you were brought into this world to suffer. 

I for sure know that your whole anger and frustration is directed towards them bitches that can not respect the fact that he is taken but.....It's not a side chick that is a source of your issue. 
Let's be real: one will go ,another one will come. You already know.

Note,no one can break your home unless you or your partner open door for them and allow them in. 

That is why I truly believe that "home breaker" is actually a married person that decides to get himself (herself) into an affair. 

Most of you justify man's actions (just for the sake of his sex)and at the same time put the whole blame on them women for "daring" to seduce a "poor little naive,innocent thing". I am a married woman sef,but this way of thinking doesn't make much sense to me and I will explain you why.


Yes and unfortunately,women's solidarity is not familiar to every female and some girls do not care if men they are after are married or not,BUT,honestly,that "side chick" doesn't have any obligation towards your home (unless she is maybe your family member or a close friend). 


The person that has obligation to protect and keep your home safe is most likely the same person you decided to build it with.  Yes ,your partner. 

Clearly,it was not that other woman that committed to you but your "other half" did. (unless you guys willingly and mutually agreed on polygamy or open relationship). So whatever the third lady does has nothing to do with you. But the way your partner responds,does!

Don't ever get me wrong,I never said it's ok for girls to chase after married men for which ever reason,but the person who should be an adult and responsible enough not to put your home to risk is that human being you call your man because it's his home as well.
Last time I have checked,it's not by force to have an affair. Both men and women get involved in such with their good and free will.

However,ask yourself : can you spend the rest of your life in misery and bitterness ,comparing yourself to all sorts of different women you have found in his phone,doubting your worth and credibility as a woman, threatening,hating and spying on "side chicks" and shouting to leave your man alone and have a heavy heart every time he comes home late? 

I am asking you now: Is that a life? 
I am not telling you how to live your life,but if your heart can not handle such treatment, then let go of it. Stop convincing yourself that it can not get better then that because "all men.." ...blah.

In my opinion,I do not think that two people can build a life together if honesty lacks.No one is perfect,but TRUST is a must for me.

Personally, I think infidelity has nothing to do with sex. Men and women both equally cheat for different reasons,just that women know how to hide it better since infidelity was never a socially acceptable behavior for a woman as it was for a man all through the history.

And I do not even think that men have a higher or stronger libido then women (trust me!) so I do not buy all these biological theories that claim cheating as a part of men's DNA and nature. Everything is a question of choice.

But I am also very sure that there are faithful people out there (if that's what your heart really craves,do not settle for less). That is not an utopia.I know them. I meet them. There are real and honest men and women out there and it is very unfair to discredit them with "all men/women are the same....." kinda attitude just because you had a nasty,painful experience.


Infidelity is not a matter of circumstances or sex,it is determined with how highly loyalty is rated in your personal system of values . That is all.

I just don't think you should settle for anything that makes you unhappy,bitter and miserable just because you managed to convince yourself that it is the way it was supposed to be and that "everyone gets cheated on". Believe it or not,that is not always the case.

Remember, true happiness is an ultimate purpose of this our short life and not how we appear on the outside for others to judge us.  

Stop looking for who to blame while settling for being treated the way you did not dream of when you were a little girl. Focus on you. Your life is truly all about you and it is never too late to set your priorities in the way that will work for you the best .

There is no shame in the fact you refuse to settle for anything that does not please your soul. 

Saturday, 6 May 2017

A Bright Future After Shameful Past?

So many people run away from their past. They are ashamed. They feel like some life choices from God knows when would destroy their reputation,chase away important people from their lives or ruin their future in general.

The truth is you get labeled real quick in this our society like no one has ever sinned before. Everyone holier then thou.

But must your past affect your future?

Let me tell you straight up as an imperfect sinner that I am and that you are : you have absolute right not to be the same person you were yesterday.

I will start from myself: Sonia from 2014,2010,2008 is not the same Sonia typing this for you. It's like we are talking about different people.

You would  simply not do/settle/agree with everything the very same you did even a year ago. And guess what? That's absolutely fine!
A wise man said once:The only constant thing in this world is change. 


Do we work this hard and go through everything we do to stay the same?
Hell no.

I feel like there were so many different people living inside this same body of mine. People with different mindsets,habits,ideas.My life philosophy changed. My ways changed. So many times.
You have right to change your features or anything else about you when you understand that it does not work for your best interest anymore. 
Am I ashamed of all the Sonia's I have met for past 26 years of my life? No. I made a peace with them because all of them had a powerful impact on the person I am proudly today. I have learned how to love and appreciate my past despite the fact that I could as well be ashamed of it. All the experiences and life choices I have made,no matter how wrong,right or shameful they are built this Sonia you know. How precious is that?

Maya Angelou once said: "When you know better,you do better".
It is actually as simple as that. So many times we just don't know. How to know? From where? Experience is the teacher. That is where wisdom comes from. It was not installed in our hearts from the very first day we were brought into this world. Period. We don't always know,but we learn.
And that is just fine my love.

The change we face is nothing but a proof of growth and that is why it's very wrong to discredit your past by being ashamed of it or running away from it.

For sure,not everyone will like the fact that you are growing bigger,wiser,stronger because  it will change your level to the point it passes their own.

"Look at her forming ......... till yesterday she used to....." blah.
"I know this one from way before,the way he was............smh"
"I used to see her doing.........who does she think she is now"

 That is the reason why they become angry and that is the time when they will try and use "embarrassing dirt" from your past against you so they can feel better about themselves and stagnation they face. Clearly,that has absolutely nothing to do with their "morals" or what so every they tend to hide under. When they start talking about who you "used" to be it is because they fear who you are about to become. 


That is why you should not allow it to discourage you and sabotage your growth. Don't ever let it happen.
That is why it's always the best to make a peace with your past even though you might not be the same person anymore.Because what you embrace can never be used against you.

No matter what happened a year,5 or 10 years ago,you deserve the greatness a future can bring.You deserve that change and your past is just a result of you not knowing everything you know today.

Be grateful for it.

Sky is your starting point.

Love you!



Thursday, 27 April 2017

Just Because He Won't Let You Go Doesn't Mean He Wants You

There is nothing as frustrating as receiving mixed signals from person we have deep feelings for.
You know,when you don't know where you stand with someone you really care about.

It normally comes along with heartache,disappointments,overthinking,insecurities,doubts and terrible confusion and it is a quite torturing experience and somehow I am pretty sure most of you understand (from your personal experience) what I am talking about .

However, all these undefined relationships have somethings in common: firstly they make us wander so badly to the point where we feel like going crazy and secondly they always mean we settled for way less then we deserve and sooner or later everybody gets tired of it.


Saturday, 22 April 2017

Guide For A Modern Pregnant Woman: How To Stay Sexy,Look Amazing And Feel Good

We all agree: there is nothing as miraculous and powerful as woman caring a new life in her womb for whole 9 months.
What a blessing!

But truth for the matter,pregnancy as well freaks us out. Like seriously.

Let me start with myself: when I found out I was expecting a child,I almost fainted even thought we saw it coming. I started panicking. Crying. I was scared to death.
How will this affect my life? My mind and body? Will the Sonia I know be gone forever?  Will pregnancy make me ugly? Unhappy? Depressed? Unattractive? Will it be very awkward,painful and uncomfortable?
What can I expect?

I can still remember the emotional roller coaster I have passed through.

And I can bet,I am not alone.
So,my ladies,my intention with this post is to share some tips that helped me take the best out of this miraculous 9 months and rock the pregnancy like a fancy,unique million dollar accessories.

1) DOLL UP HON!
- I know you would feel lazy,moody and tired,and that is all normal,but don't allow yourself to sink into it! 
Even before I got pregnant,I used to admire dolled up pregnant ladies. Like,there is nothing more beautiful than a vibrant preggy hottie /slayer with belly.  When I was pregnant,every single time I felt down,I would force myself to get up,do my hair,do some lovely make up,pick a cute sexy outfit and go to mall. Or super market. Or just take a walk. It worked like a therapy for me.  Pregnancy doesn't mean you must stay in pajamas,baggy,unattractive clothes and messy bun on top of your head while moving from couch to bed. 
Don't you stop slaying love!
Love this pic,I was about 6 months pregnant here 

2) EAT RIGHT !
Heavy,oily food makes even a non pregnant person lazy,sleepy and tired. You should try and eat regularly but healthy mostly for the sake of your baby but also for the sake of your mood . Trust me,what we eat has a lot to do with how we feel.
Forget that "eat for 2" nonsense. Increase intake of vitamins ,proteins and water,and not chips,pounded yam,Fanta,chocolate and fried chicken. And let's keep it real: pregnancy doesn't mean you  need that 2am meal. At all.
Staying fit REALLY means staying happy. And yes,your postpartum body will be thankful;) 

3) STAY ACTIVE!
-I repeat: I know you feel lazy and tired. But as long as you have a normal,healthy pregnancy there is absolutely  no reason for you to lay in bed all day as if you are,God forbid,sick.
Pregnancy is not disability.
I remember,I used to go out ,even clubbing with my husband while pregnant and I had so much fun (turning up with bottles of water for the first time of my life lol). It was a different kind of unforgettable experience for me.
However,stay social. Hang out with people that make you happy. Laugh. Have FUN! Yes,being pregnant does not mean you should be restricted from having fun and enjoying yourself (as long as you stay away from heavy drinks,smokes and drugs of course).
Hey ,it's still the same old you with some extra blessing in your sexy belly.
Stay physically active as well. I mean,you don't have to go to gym and lift weights but you can have a 20 min walk every day. It will mean a lot for your mental and physical health. And that sexy body of yours. 

4) THINK POSITIVELY 
- Stop thinking and talking about potential risks pregnancy can bring. Common. Don't let fears spoil this special experience for you. Rather focus ,think and talk about all the beautiful things caring a new life brings. Your bigger boobs for example. LOL 
Surround yourself with positive minds,people who inspire you and give you hope ,whether in real life or social media. Breathe and absorb positivity only. 
Suffocate fears and panic with gratitude. You have so much to be thankful and excited for.
You are truly blessed. 

5)SHOW YOURSELF SOME LOVE
-If you can not afford spa treatments and wellness centers ,that does not mean you can not enjoy. You can still pamper yourself at home. Few times a week make sure you give yourself an hour of "me time". Play your favorite music,run a bubble bath,read a good book,put a mask on your face,make sure you smell and feel finer then the finest rose.


6) YES, YOU ARE STILL SEXY BOO
- And you will stay irresistible for a very long time. Pregnancy is a piece of cake for you,miraculous woman!



7)DO IT FOR YOURSELF FIRST 

-Make sure you keep yourself fly for yourself first. Do not do it because you want to earn an approval or a compliment from your man or any other person. This "effort" is about you alone this time around. You deserve to feel good about yourself,pregnant or not.



Sunday, 2 April 2017

"TRY ME;I DARE YOU." -REASONS WHY WOMEN SUFFER: Disturbing Double Standards In Our Society-A MUST READ

This really got me feeling all sorts of way...

"I AM A WOMAN!!! -
So what?
I get into an argument with a man, he slaps me, I feel the pain, yet they tell me I provoked him. I should have been quiet, I should have been patient. I should apologize to him.
I get into an argument with a man, I slap him, they tell me I have no respect, no home training. I should have been quiet, I should have been patient. I should apologize to him.
Because I am a woman, I don't have a right to be angry. So, the degree of my innocence is directly proportional to the degree of my silence in the face of oppression and brutality.....
Because I am a woman, my husband cheats on me, I am told to tolerate it to save my marriage. The barbaric and stupid excuse is that ''it is in their nature to cheat, I should slim down, dress better, cook better, pray harder and be more pleasant to him"
I cheat, and I am called a whore, I have committed an abomination, I have no right to look elsewhere for the love and emotional support I lack at home, I am an irresponsible mother.
So I am sent packing, from the home we both built, with all my earthly possessions stuffed into a tiny box on my head. I am henceforth forbidden from seeing my two older children, I'm lucky to be allowed to go with my little one still suckling on my left breast. Three years later, the little one is tagged a bastard. Now, my new name is "after-three", because I am a woman.
He is 28 and runs a company. He's tagged wonderful, hardworking, focused, career oriented, successful at a very young age.
I am 28 and I run a company " Hmmmm, she is not even married, unserious, can not order her priorities right, a hustler, loves money, let her go and get a husband oh"
And I wonder if being successful has anything to do with a person's gender.
Because I am a woman,
I am not allowed to have wits or be a prodigy, I cannot be financially buoyant, professionally successful or be treated with respect without a man beside me.
Then I am tagged a generous leg opener, "a runs girl". They never see the possibility that I actually had to go through ups and downs to get to where I am.
Because I am a woman.
A man looses his wife to death and remarries a year after, he did the right thing, he's being praised and congratulated for moving on, after all life is for the living.
A woman looses her husband to death and remarries after 4yrs, "ahhh! so early? Are u sure she wasn't sleeping with that man even when her husband was alive? That was why she killed her husband. She's a witch! " Because she's a woman.
Because I am a woman, this post will be considered controversial, and everyone will try to correct me.
But don't forget, that I am a woman and it does not make me less human."

COULD I SAY IT ANY BETTER?
Honestly,I understand if there are some men out there justifying this double standards because the change is certainly not  in their favor ...
But the way it makes me angry when I hear my fellow women making peace with it in the name of "tradition" or what so ever.. You can't understand.
You normalize nonsense and STILL teach your daughters to be submissive because such is a "cruel woman's fate"?

No it is not.

I say so! Watch me!

You are not meant to suffer in silence while breaking your neck to be "that woman" so they won't say you are not being "good enough ".That is not a woman's destiny.

Don't get me wrong. I don't think that women and men should "compete" in any way. Or that treating your man well is a bad thing. Nooo. I just think it should be mutual.
I don't believe we should normalize a woman's misery.

You are meant to be loved,appreciated and respected.
You deserve that.



Thoughts guys?


Wednesday, 22 March 2017

Secret Tips: How To Move On & Get Over Person That Is Not Good For You

No matter how strong,reasonable and intelligent you are at times you will feel like a total fool for not being able to let go of someone who clearly isn't good for you.

Emotions are super powerful thing. The most dangerous combination that turns us into senseless,"possessed" sheep is definitely  emotion+ strong sexual chemistry. It makes you forget who you are and what you all about,gives you amnesia for all the standards and criteria you claimed you had,erases sense for pride and dignity and makes us forgive and "swallow" almost everything and anything.
It makes us weak,just like someone put voodoo on you .
You simply can't focus or think of anything/anyone else.

Tension,anxiety,helplessness. Stupid butterflies in belly.
At times when common sense splashes you straight in your face,when you get to put  1+1 together,you can't seem to understand what really happened to you. Is this really you? How could you settle for such a poor treatment by someone who isn't even aware of how precious and worthy you really are.? Someone who turned blind to all your amazing features.

You are tired for not being able to let go of person who clearly doesn't care about you or your well being.
You want a full control over your life,mind and being back!
It's time to let go!

Let's brake the damn spell!

1) FORGIVE YOURSELF
 " How could I let this happen ?"
Anger and serious self blame for "being so stupid " is what we mostly face in such situations.
Then there is shame,especially when you remember all the embarrassing things you "allowed" yourself do and settle for.
How did I guess? lol

This needs to stop it dear.

First step of healing is to accept the fact that this is all just a part of life and growth and that every single person experienced such "madness" at least once in their lifetime.
However, you probably did what you felt like doing at some point of time.It happened for a reason and it surely made you wiser and stronger.
Instead of hating yourself for "stooping so low",be thankful for experience and wisdom you got in return.

2) FORGIVE HIM/HER
In order to heal and move on you must also find a way to forgive the person that you believe is responsible for your heartache.
 "Cheat. Lier." 
"Heartless Fool." 
"He took me for granted."
 "After everything I have done for her."
"He made me look so stupid!"
 "Selfish bastard. "
"He needs to suffer "

I hear you. More importantly,I feel you.

But the bitter truth is : whatever we go through is what we,for whichever reason, allow ,whether subconsciously or consciously,by turning blind to particularly actions and deciding to ignore the fact that people don't always tell us their intentions towards us,but they always SHOW us.

However ,the fact is : not everyone would be capable of seeing and appreciating our worth,but best believe,there is nothing personal about it.
Not everyone can tell the difference between a shiny stone and original diamond.
But that has nothing to do with you.

So here is the deal: find a way to forgive them for not seeing "all that" in you.
And find a way to understand that everyone you cross paths with is there to teach you something very valuable. Don't take that experience for granted.

There is no coincidence in life. Just because he/she turned out not to be the most ideal match for you,that doesn't mean God sent them into your life for no reason. So forgive them anyway because you won't have strength to move on if you keep carrying these strong ,exhausting feelings along with you .


3) ISOLATE YOURSELF
Forgiveness means peace. But that doesn't mean you should poke and scratch your wounds by constantly hearing from person you try to let go of.
In my opinion,you should definitely stop all the social media investigations . Leave the FBI matter.
Stop checking his/hers page regularly. If you consider his/her your weakness and you are afraid that you'll might fall into a temptation of calling or accepting an invite for a new date with the person you are trying to let go of,then go ahead and block their number. Block them on social media.
You need your space to heal. You need time to re-channel your focus and space so "spell" will loose it's effect.
It's ok to blank your "distraction" until you get better and finally move on.

4) BREAK UP WITH AN ILLUSION
It's not in our nature to have positive emotions towards someone who brings us pain. Most of the time it happens that we are not "in love" with actual person but with misinterpreted version of the person we created in our heads. All by ourselves.
We tend to idealize someone we are crazy about to the point we find explanations and justifications for everything wrong and ugly about them.
The best way to let go of someone is to start seeing them for who they truly are.
You need to face true colors of his actions,behavior and attitude  towards you,and to finally acknowledge his lack of efforts and interest.
Every time you start feeling tempted to unblock the contact or call "just one more time" remember the "untouched" picture of the treatment you had to put up with.
Such a turn off! You deserve way better!

5) "AND THEN WHAT?"
So you have a terrible urge to call him. One last time. Send an sms. Insult him. Anything. Just to get
back in touch with the person you try to forget.

Or he called again begging you to come over so you guys can "talk". You feel restless. Maybe one last time. ."What possibly can I loose?"

Nooo!
There is no point honey. Look deep inside of you : it doesn't even feel right!
Temptation is an enemy of progress because it would bring you back to point zero! Then all your efforts would go in vanity. No!
Every time you are in this situation,ask yourself out loud "And then what? What after we see,kiss,have sex? "
Same old,same old huh?
Aren't you tired of walking inside the same old magic circle ?
This powerful question will help you remind yourself of what is pointless and senseless and it will help you fight the temptation.

6) WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Take a pen and paper. I want you to describe your ideal man. Mr Right.
This time without setting for any less.
Write down all his features. He does exist somewhere,you know right?. Best believe,7 billion people on this planet earth,he gotta be somewhere.
Then compare your Mr Right to Mr Wrong you can't seem to get over. Your standards really dropped honey.
Silly you hun?

7) REJECTION IS PROTECTION 
When things don't work  for you it's most likely because it ain't for you!
God doesn't make mistakes . He would make sure He do everything to cut people that are not good for you out of your life. It might hurt you but in future,when you see and meet better and bigger, you will be very grateful to God for pushing misery away from you.

8) FOCUS ON YOU
Idle mind is devil's workshop.
The best way to distract your mind is to invest in yourself.

Don't be lazy,quit with excuses.
Gym,sport,dance classes,learn new skills,find new hobbies,get to know things you have always been passionate about... Self investment oN every possible level (physical,emotional,spiritual) will automatically make you happier,more satisfied and fulfilled.
Self investment is a tool against depression and low self esteem.
It will help you discover your abilities and fall in love with new,updated and upgraded version of yourself.
And more you love yourself ,less you will have time to entertain nonsense.

9)THE BEST IS YET TO COME
This is the fundamental reason and purpose of moving on.
We need to let go of what doesn't feel right so we can be ready to receive what is more then right. It's what makes this life beautiful and worth of living .
Let excitement replace sorrow.
It only gets better.



Sunday, 19 March 2017

Diary of a Lagosian : When You Get Intimidated By BIG GIRLS,FAKE ACCENTS & "I JUST CAME FROM ABROAD" STORY TELLERS

I feel like people are under serious pressure and constant competition between themselves.
Pressure to make their friends envious,to appear "richer", more "sophisticated","bigger" or "fancier" and,fam, it really turns out to be ridiculous at times.

"Packaging" is that how you guys call it?
LOL

Well,"packaging" comes in all different shapes,shades and forms,and I could not help it but to make a list of most common ones , I CAN BET,you are already familiar with:


FAKE ACCENT ALERT 
Do you have an idea how many times I have heard ladies and gentlemen mocking people that don't sound "British" or "American" enough?You guys! Common! Is it by force? "OMG ,is it only me or she sounds so local?" . "What a bush girl,no class". (*rolling eyes *)
Talking of myself,do you know how many people told me I should "work on my accent" ("Why don't you try and speak "AMERICAN"(whatever that suppose to mean) it would suit you better"). 
"The way you talk doesn't match your physics".
"Fine girl like you hmmm"

WHAAAT?

I am even proud that I can communicate in English. It's not my language by any means.
I am not British,nor American and I never lived in English speaking country before. And let's be real: Nether are you. And that's just fine. 
God gave me a beautiful gift,I pick languages really fast and if I really wanted to change my accent I would,but I don't really wish to. Why would I?
Be you. Embrace your own. Why do you think someone else's is better?
Truth to be told,some people naturally "absorb" accent after living abroad (even if it's for a short period of time) and that's absolutely normal and ok,but it's very wrong to look down at people for sounding "local" (as you say).
There is a heritage behind that "African" sounding accent ,you know?

Also,it's a shame that so many people forget where we live and that not everyone was able to afford to go to school and learn "proper English". It's really not a mocking matter.

There is also nothing wrong with slangs and broken English.
I know people,especially ladies,who constantly act like they can't speak or understand pidgin,thinking that they will appear "posh" that way.
I find it silly.
You don't see all these foreigners falling in love with it and embracing it even though they never lived in Nigeria for a day?
I find it super charming and cute. 
And most importantly, it's authentically yours.
Who english epp? :)


I AM FROM AMERICA 
So we met at the party. Casual conversation. 
-So where you from ? (referring to a state of origin)
-I am from Washington DC.(proudly,with exaggerated  American accent)
Bruh. For real???
We met in LasGidi. Naija bruh. And you are telling me you are from Washington. Big boy ,what a way to let me know that you are NOT one of them "local" boys,abi?

I get secretly annoyed when I feel like people are ashamed of something I believe they should be super proud of. 
You have a privilege to be familiar with where you are coming from,your tradition,native language. Culture.You know where your grate grand father village is. You know yourself.

Honestly,I think average American wish he had all that. Don't take it for granted. Embrace your heritage.
If I hear Yankee again!
Which Washington Ugochuckwu? 
Grrrrhhmm


I ONLY SHOP ABROAD 
No,you don't. I saw you at Balogun market last week. Hehe
But for real. Stop.
Buy Made in Nigeria,it's  way more cool to support your own! ;-)
I mean ,I understand you like to shop in that massive Dubai mall and yes,malls abroad offer some things we can't find in Nigeria, but "I ONLY SHOP ABROAD" is not an achievement for you to be mentioning it out loud everywhere you go.

First time I came to Nigeria (it was really long time ago) I was invited to attend a big wedding and I needed an outfit badly. However,I wasn't familiar with Lagos at that time so I was thinking it's better to ask someone where can I find nice dresses. So,there was this "big girl" sitting with us so I approached her ,asking where would she direct me to. You guys! Wish you saw girl's face expression. She was openly and very clearly disgusted. "Honey,girls like us don't shop in Nigeria. Ever. We shop strictly abroad " (need I mention strong British accent?lol). I didn't understand what was the whole thing about,I was kind of confused.
However guys. Don't get it twisted,where you "shop"is not a matter of wealth or status.
I know very rich and successful folks who shop in local markets and some of them are very proud of it.
Honestly and very personally,I really enjoy Lagos markets,it feels like an adventure for me. I understand,some people find it extremely stressful,that's ok but there is no need to act and sound  snobbish. Trust me,it's not bringing your value any higher. NAH!

YOUR SKIN IS SO YELLOW,YOU LOOK SO CLEAN AND FRESH.
Wait a minute.
So dark skin doesn't look "clean"? 
I get angry when I hear such comments. Not everything "lightskin" means "beautiful,clean and fresh". Beauty comes in all different shades.
Again,don't think I'm throwing shades on women that bleach their skin,I can never do such because as a female  that I am I am pretty much aware that there is a thing every woman on planet earth (whether she is black,white,asian,mixed etc) has in common, which is : we all want what we don't have,especially when it comes to physical appearance. And we are never satisfied.White girls want to tan,black girls bleach,girls with curly hair want straight hair and girls like me by all means try to get their hair curled...etc... That's just the way we all are.There is nothing personal about it.
However,it's upsetting me that it became a norm to refer to lighter skin as "fresher" or "more beautiful" which,in my opinion,really isn't the case. 


THIS THING LOOKS SO LOCAL! 
I still don't get why so many people refer to LOCAL as if it's something bad or something we should be ashamed of.
Like "local" is opposite of expensive or fancy. Or maybe LOCAL should be for less privileged?
I don't get.
I don't want my son and my future children to grow up thinking that their very own "local" is something they should not be proud of.
Because every single "local" thing about Nigeria is amazing.
Food
Fabrics
Jewelry
Outfits
Music
Nature
People

Priceless.Think about it.

Now don't get me wrong.
There is also nothing wrong with learning from other cultures and adopting different ways that might not be familiar to our own.
I  am a product of different cultures I came across for my life time so far and I think we grow when we  "open" ourselves to differences and unknown instead rejecting it before we even give ourselves a chance to get to know it.

I did not point at this things to mock anyone. Y'all know, that is not my style.

I did it to try and set some of you free of that ridiculous pressure this crazy society puts us through and to remind you that the way you speak English or where you shop is not what defines you,your skills,talents and abilities and that your true beauty and power comes out when you embrace yourself  for who you truly are instead of trying to be something or someone you are not,because what you embrace can never be used against you.

Don't let your "role models" make you feel intimidated because you are not "all that".
You are way more then "all that".

Trust your girl.
You ROCK

XX






Saturday, 18 March 2017

See Abuse This Popular,Gorgeous East African Girl Faced For Dating A White Man (Pictures Attatched)

My beautiful East African friend is glowing. She has a new guy who seems to be making her really happy.

Just today,I got a call from her. She was so upset,almost sad.
Then she sent me a screenshots of a terrible online abuse she had to face for having a guy that is not her skin color.

I asked her for approval to share it with you guys,and she said I should go ahead because message and point we try to make is very clear: Love is really all that matters.

Check this out:





It upsets me that to some people we are still nothing but a color,whether black or white, or maybe a tribe. Or any other similar superficial category.

Common people,are we not all just human beings,all of us created by the same hand of the very same Almighty God,no matter how we choose to call Him??

And that same God is Love.
Pure Love.

Put GOD before religion and HUMANITY before division.

I personally don't give a damn about such a foolish stereotypes and I can not entertain them even though my husband and I face very similar kind of a "thing" from time to time as well .

All I can tell you guys......Follow your heart and always be with the person that makes your heart smile the most. Does not really matter if he/she is from your village or from other part of the world.


BTW...
Let me share a picture of this beautiful ,young couple :


Aren't they looking hot together?



Friday, 17 March 2017

My Secrets To A Bigger Booty

Hey dolls!
A lot of you keep asking me what do I do to maintain my body shape,so I decided to share some few tips and secrets  when it comes to my diet because the type of  food you eat is actually what matters the most and ,honestly,doing exercises alone will not grow your booty.

"Does fast food make my butt bigger?
By eating a lot of junk foods it’s easy to think that your butt will get bigger but what’s happening really is you’re destroying your body.
Remember that you only want get a bigger butt and not bigger belly or arms..
That’s what will happen if you eat pure junk foods. You will gain some weight on your butt however, you will get with it a lot of belly fat, flabby arms and the list goes on.
Let’s not forget to mention that the fat you gain on your butt as a result of eating junk foods will make it saggy and floppy.
So the point is, just binging on junk food will not help.

Now remember, these aren’t magic foods therefore, by themselves they won’t work. Adding them alternately in your daily diet along with proper booty workouts will give you fantastic results.
This is a must eat food if your goal is to get a bigger butt. It’s packed with good fats and tons of protein to help grow your glutes (butt) muscle."

So lets take a little trip to my fridge,
I will introduce you to top 12 foods that will help you get flatter stomach and bigger butt :

1) Chicken
Chicken is packed with protein and is beneficial in growing your buttocks’ mass. Eating chicken instead of red meat is a better option because it has less cholesterol.

2) Sweet potatoes
Instead of eating the white rice or white flour you can eat nutritious calorie dense foods such as sweet potatoes which will help you gain mass on your butt.
Sweet potatoes are also known for burning stomach fat

3) Eggs
Egg is one of the healthiest and most efficient forms of protein source on the planet. It’s a very good source of energy that will help to power your workouts and it will definitely help you grow your booty.
Since it’s a good source of protein it will help in muscle building and repair. In this case, we’re talking about your glutes.
It’s best to consume them in the morning as it will help to power you throughout the day and during your workouts.

4) Avocados
Avocado isn’t a good source of protein but it’s a fantastic source of monosaturated fats. These fats will help you gain mass on your buttocks and reduce bad cholesterol in your body.
It contains a lot of vitamins, potassium, fiber and amino acids, all which help you get a bigger butt.


5) Spinach
This vegetable is packed with nutrients and is known as one of the best iron rich foods. It’s one of the best vegetable foods to eat in muscle building.

6)Oatmeal
This is one of the best foods for breakfast as it’s very filling and nutritious. It contains micro nutrients that will help to increase your muscle mass. In other words, it’s a fantastic food to grow your butt size.

7)Brown rice
This is one of the best sources of carbohydrates and fiber and is especially good for eating after working out. It’s very helpful in giving your body the fuel needed to sustain your muscle mass while doing your butt workouts.

8) Steak
For your butt to grow you need a good amount of protein in your diet in order to sustain growth.
Steak is a very powerful source of protein and can definitely increase your glutes’ mass.
So after doing that intense booty workout try to eat a steak for dinner and feed your booty with powerful protein.

9)Greens
If you think eating vegetables is only for weight loss, think again.
Some of the best ones to look for are leafy green vegetables, tomatoes, berries, cucumbers, broccoli and brussels sprouts.


10)Fish
This is a very good protein source especially for transitioning vegetarians.  Some of the most popular ones are tuna, tilapia and salmon.
Fish is one of the best foods to grow your bum because it contains omega-3 fatty acid’s which are known as healthy fats.


12)Protein shake
There’s a reason why body builders love to drink protein shakes before or after their workouts. It’s a fast acting protein source that absorbs in your muscles pretty fast, especially after a workout.
So definitely drinking protein shakes will help you grow your butt bigger.  It helps with building muscle mass.




Eating healthy will also help you feel better about yourself in general.
Natural and healthy ways will take longer until you spot that change you want to see,but key is in consistence.
Take pride in your small victories and,
Don't forget, we all have different body constitutions by nature,so your goal should not be to look like someone else,but to start looking like the best possible version of you.

LOVE YOU
XX




Men & Domestic Violence (Story From A Reader Shared)

Domestic violence is recently a very hot topic all over social media and I am super glad to see that our woman (and men) are mostly aware that this is something we should not "normalize" or tolerate in any way and that violence and mental&physical abuse has absolutely nothing to do with love and that It's really not  by force to stay in a marriage or relationship that might get you killed.

However,we heard so much from women that been through such a horrible experience,and I am so grateful that they had courage and strength to speak out loud and raise awareness.
But what if.... A victim is not a woman?

So today I came across very unusual email from one Lagos based guy and I really think I need to share it with you guys.

"Good day Mrs Ogbonna,
I am sure you get millions of emails every day but I truly hope this meets you well.
I am a 32 years old lawyer from Lagos and I have been married for 4 years now and I have a big problem.Every single time we (my wife and I) have even the slightest disagreement,she turns into a monster.She starts acting so hysterical,aggressive and abusive. She calls me names such as "idiot","useless fool","pathetic moron" and even worse kind of insults I'm embarrassed to even mention. It made me feel so bad about myself (my self esteem is so low right now) and I don't know why women think that men don't have feelings or that we don't get hurt . We do. I do. We just don't show it all the time like you females do.
However,let me continue.The verbal abuse is just a beginning.
She often hits me or throw things at me. Last time I even ended up with 4 stitches at the back of my neck because she injured me really bad.
The thing is ,I can't and don't want to hit her back,I am a 6'1'' tall man, I think I would hurt her really bad. Secondly I  don't believe in violence. I was not raised that way.
I love her obviously but she really abuses me badly and I'm afraid I can't stand it anymore. I feel helpless because all I wanted is to marry one woman and I wanted my marriage to be for life. We don't have kids yet and to be honest I am afraid to have children with her because I don't want them to suffer because their mom has anger management issues. I work hard,I don't cheat or womanize in any way and I think I am a good husband to my wife.
Please Sonia, I beg you,tell me what to do. I am so confused.
There is no one I can talk to because I don't want my family and friends to start hating on my wife.

Thank you for your time. May God bless you and your family."


Before I give my opinion,I want you guys to participate and share yours.
Please,don't hesitate to comment,your opinion or maybe experience can help someone's life.

Much love!

Wednesday, 15 March 2017

What To Do When He Doesn't Call/Text?

You keep staring at that damn phone. Every 3 seconds you are anxiously checking if you,by any chance,missed a message or a call. Then it finally rings.. Nahh,it's just an annoying friend,or annoying mom. Or the rest of annoying world .

Is he really into me?But things were so smooth last time you met your wonder guy. You can't even assume that he doesn't like you. How can that even be? He was so sweet to you..

Confusion. Wanders. Million thoughts in one minute passing through your head. Different voices telling you different things. Insomnia,tension,anxiety,butterflies in your belly..Will this ever be over?

I don't think there is a girl in this planet earth that did not go through this kind of "torture" at least once in her lifetime (including Beyonce o),possibly several times.
No matter how awesome,funny,pretty and intelligent you are,for some reason,there will always be a time you would feel totally-well... Unnoticed.

What is a natural next step each and every of us goes through ?

We look for justification.
Oh maybe something happened to him.
He must be very busy.
Stress at work.
He is maybe not feeling fine.
Duhh

Then we call.
Then text.
Then call again.

Chasing a guy? Me? No way!
Here you go: how many times you have found yourself doing silly things you thought you would never do? Pride? What pride? Lol

Let me be honest with you:
The best thing to do is to just ignore the whole situation,no matter how difficult that might seem at the moment.

Rule number 1: stop looking for excuses on his behalf. Common.
If you are in someone's mind and heart,it simply can't be hidden. I doubt there is some super natural force that is stopping him from reaching out to you. Let's face it sisters:It's normally just a lack of interest.

Restless soul.
Thoughts Round 2:  "What a heck! Maybe I need to "push things" small. We are in 21st century."

It makes sense,right? Now you feel more comfortable to call again. Text. Then call one "last" time. Network issues..maybe?Well, you get your replies here and there. Casually. Kind of "Lol","cool","sup" etc.
Then he hits you with "Ok babe " . Cloud nine! " He just said babe.This is it!". You feel like he just proposed. Then you go back to read that same message over and over again. He said "ok babe".BABE!

Holluuup Love!
Read my blog posts frequently ,it will give you strength to ignore what needs to be ignored. Lol
In my very personal opinion,supported with my very personal experience,I don't think you should go after any guy. Even if he is the most richest,most handsome dude ever.

Man is a nature born hunter. When he wants a woman,he goes after woman,and that's the only way things feels right.
Even if your "pushing" pushes you guys a mile forward,how long do you intend pushing? Isn't that exhausting?
You should know your worth and value so well to know that you are a jackpot "to be won" & blessing and with such attitude you won't have time for someone who seem not to see that clearly. You really have nothing to prove. Your awesomeness is obvious,trust me.

You are a woman and deep inside you crave to feel like one which would be impossible if you keep forcing yourself to someone who should be the one trying to win you.

Secondly,remember,there are two types of people in this world:
Ones would talk to you in their free time,and some would free their time to talk to you. Keep that in your mind ,it would make your "ignore mission" perhaps SELECTION way easier.

Gradually,I have learnt how to feel so important about myself (not when it comes to my fellow ladies)  when it comes to men to the point where I totally cured myself from a need to justify someone's "casual" attitude towards me. (Well,now it doesn't really matter because I am not single but I'm just saying).
If you feel you are not getting a right kind of feedback from a guy,tell yourself "if we were meant to be,he will find me again " and leave the matter.
It is very important for us ,as women, to learn how to stay loyal to our standards and that is also a way to protect yourself from being treated poorly by your partner in future.


Chin up sugar.

You are more then enough,just the way you are.