Wednesday 22 February 2017

"Wait,is she getting married to a NIGERIAN?" -My Parents VS Nigerian Husband (The Truth Behind The Closed Doors)

You won't believe how many people (Nigerians and non Nigerians) have asked me "Lord Jesus Sonia,what was your parents reaction when you told them you are getting married to a Nigerian?"

Wait. "A NIGERIAN???" .
I swear,some folks sound like I went to marry an alien or something strange to a human kind. SMH

You guys know I live in a world of mine where I don't really give a sh** about race,ethnicity,tribe,religion or what so ever superficial categorization of human beings  the whole world seem to stress over, so the way some people  put importance and tension into asking this type of questions really did not make much sense to me.  Like someone's ethnicity is the most important and relevant "issue" you need to worry about when your child is getting married or what?

Since when is that more important then someone's heart and intentions? Personality? Love maybe? Compatibility between two souls? Hello? Some people sef.

I will have to disappoint you fam,there was no controversy or what so ever drama based on this particular matter when it comes to my own case.
I think ethnicity,color or nationality was not a criteria my parents  used to "judge" Ik's values and qualities as a man and a person.
There were clearly far more important features  that makes a man "good" or "bad" for your daughter.

I am endlessly grateful to my parents for "sparing" me of this type of drama a lot of mixed couples go through,but I honestly think that their attitude towards the whole situation was nothing but NORMAL,because any form of stereotype,prejudice or hatred based on color,religion,ethnicity etc doesn't just fit in my definition of  "normal" thinking.

But I can't lie,both mom and dad had experiences with stupid people here and there asking stupid questions based on this matter. So once a woman asked my mom (with a tone like she is giving her a condolence or something) how is she "managing"  and living with a ("terribly upsetting and sad") fact that I got married to an African..Meanwhile her daughter's husband is  the same ethnicity,color and religion as she is but that did not stop him from being a wife beater,cheat and alcoholic. What a moment of irony. Hmmm hmmm.  My mom just told her "if your son in law was at least as half as good as mine,you would be a happy woman and you would not have to worry about my own " .
My mom is an MVP. Lol

When Ik came to meet them they both fall in love with him . It is really difficult not to because he is really and honestly one of the nicest people I have ever came across.
My mom even got to a "brilliant" idea :  "Sonia you know what? Why don't you go back to Nigeria,leave Ik here with us,he is so polite and kind" . (Oh so I am not? Can you guys imagine? Me,Sonia,the only daughter they will ever have! Obara Jesu lol)

For better understanding of a relationship between my parents and my "Nigerian" husband I must share this picture with you:

Yes,this is a picture(very big and massive pictures)  I found hanging at the wall at my parents house when I came back to visit them this year.  Right in a living room. Yep.

Meanwhile ,did I mention that there is NO ONE SINGLE picture of me framed ANYWHERE in their home.  Ehemm.

I am still waiting for an explanation :-)
Will update you when I get one for sure .

Love you plenty!

Friday 17 February 2017

How To Get And Keep A GOOD Man?

I literally receive tones of emails every single day from different women world wide asking me this very same question: "what was your strategy to get & keep a good man that treats you even better?".

So I decided to finally share some few little things I have picked up from my experience and my personal journey.

First of all,forget everyone who told you that you need to master a million and one psychological game & tactic (abi strategy) of seduction that we get to hear about in magazines,movies and novels.
Trust me it's not THAT stressful.

Secondly,you'll might think that you need to be "to the book" to get and keep a correct man by your side. That is why so many women all over the world would literally break their neck cleaning and cooking and acting holier than thou just to prove a guy how much of a good catch they are.
Do you want to know how you look like in that process?
It's like you wrote on your forehead "I am a wife material,PLEASE,I BEG YOU take me seriously,APPROVE MY WORTH PLEASE!".
I swear down.
But I would have to disappoint you : It's also not about forcefully ,desperately trying to fit in a definition of an "ideal woman" society constantly force on us. Desperate tries to appear "perfect" is not what will help you get appreciated,respected,loved,cherished as a woman and treated as a queen on a daily basis.

It might sound silly to you,but the best way to get yourself a good man that will,most importantly accept you and love you for who you are ,is to simply appear as raw,unpackaged YOU. True you. Imperfect you. 

The only way you will get to see which man is really worth of getting the best of you is the one who is willing to deal with the worst in you at the first place. Trust me there is no better or more valid way to "select" men  you come across and make the right choice later on. 
A man who would rather focus on your beauty,goodness,qualities then  your flaws is the man that will treat you good and appreciate you in every way.

The reason why we hold ourselves of being who we truly are in front of the person we want to impress is because we are afraid of  chasing that person away which automatically means we don't consider ourselves good or worthy enough. 
And men can sense it. Women too.
It smells of desperation,fear and self pity.
And trust me guys,there is no bigger turn off than that.

That way you will spend your life in misery and taken for granted by the person that should cherish you the most.But let's be real: Isn't it selfish to expect from other person to recognize your worth and value if you can't see it yourself?

The sexist,the most appealing and the most irresistible woman is not the one who is the most perfect (in any way). It is the one who has nothing to prove because she IS SURE of her worth,value and that is why she was not only able to make a peace with her past but able to embrace it as well knowing that she is not her mistakes and for that same reason she is not afraid of being misjudged or disliked,and that gives her freedom and power be real.

Trust me,you don't want to be among those desperate women who are trapped in unhappy marriages every day trying to be something they are not so they can meet their partners ideals and expectations they decided to start with to get "verified"at the first place. (I know you see such cases everywhere you go.) 

The bottomline is : if you want to have a UNION BASED ON LOVE (not interest or any other benefit) you need to understand that Love must be effortless and smooth,and definitely   SHAMELESS and FREE! If you must force it on someone by hiding things about your character,habits or past,then it's not for you! 
Stop trying so hard to appear as a Saint to impress a common sinner.

You are amazing enough to be loved for who you are and if someone is not capable of doing such,then the person is simply not meant for you.

Tuesday 14 February 2017

How Come He Was Never Good To Them The Way He Is Good To Me?

"Oh I know this guy,he is such a bastard. Wait,she will see his true face soon,foolish girl !"

How many times such thoughts have crossed  your mind when you see a guy you used to have a thing with another babe?
The nature of relationship we had with someone automatically makes us categorize them as permanently "bad"(or good) people and that just comes naturally. But there is nothing as disturbing for our self esteem as seeing that very same guy who treated you like a shit  trying so hard to provide  a word for another lady.
"What makes her better then me?"
"What does she have that I don't?"

Then,in order to protect your self confidence you look for what to mock or call ugly about "THAT THING" you feel is wrongly and unfairly "overrated" in the eyes of a guy you had (have) feelings for.

(Talking of that,I must share my own experience:when I started dating my husband,I used to stumble across idiotic and pretty much senseless comments such as " ahh  this guy is with her only because of her big ass,what else she could possibly offer"/ "oh there is nothing special about her,he is with her just because she is a foreigner"/ "Ik married this girl only because she is oyibo!(light skinned person)" and so and so. Blah.
For real,FOR REAL? Lol.)

Ok,let's get serious again.

We tend to take particular past experiences and people's behavior way too personal then we end up caring the bitterness along with us,and that my friends,it's very toxic and unhealthy.

We simply have to accept the fact that we can't possibly be everyone's best choice and that not everyone we come across will be our best choice in life. And that's absolutely ok.

Human's nature is indeed so colorful and unpredictable and it can't be simplified.. We are moved by different things and same person can show 1001 color and shade of personality to different people: from "he is just so kind" to "what a rude,heartless mofo".

But do you know who is responsible for that?
We,mostly subconsciously,TRIG certain emotions,attitudes and behavior out of people we are with.

Just like in chemistry: when two chemical elements interact they give a chemical reaction. Change one of the elements and you will have a completely different outcome. Different reaction. Mix wrong chemical elements and you will get an explosion. Boom. Change one of the elements,there won't be explosion again,in fact,different combination might turn out to be medicinal.
It's exactly the same with people.

For example :my husband feels like I am the best woman and wife in this whole wide world but some guy's from my past definitely won't agree with that.Ever.And they have every right not to,because I truly was not as half as good as I am to my husband today. Not because my personality drastically changed but because my husband,naturally trigged the best out of me and that is why he is my husband at the first place.

It's the same with him. I'm pretty sure that there are women out there rolling their eyes every single time they see my posts about how amazing and good he is to me,shouting on loud "Abegggg fake Instagram love" "the guy is a motherfucker" " after everything he have done to me","this girl will learn her lesson" and so and so because he also, probably,did them wrong in a way (if he hurt you in past,sorry ladies,I apologize on his behalf) but as I said,you simply can't and won't be everyone's most ideal choice in life.

Also,don't forget that our partners are reflection of ourselves as well.
They will love us and treat us equally the way we love and treat ourselves.

Believe it or not,everything starts and ends within YOU:
If you have a fear of not being good enough and you lack self love ,that issue will manifest through your partner:no matter how good he is to you,you will always feel insecure,jealous,paranoid until he finally adopt opinion you have about yourself and start acting accordingly.
If you are in peace with yourself,then the same peace will be felt in your relationship.
If you are kind to yourself,you will be able to transmit that kindness to your partner and relationship by speaking life into him/her : you will be able to encourage,motivate and empowering  him/her.
On the other hand,if you don't feel good about yourself,if you can't be gentle and loving towards the person you see in the mirror,you will gradually get to trig the same emotion from the person you are with because tension,harsh attitude,complain and criticism will be the only thing circulating in the air. Guess where it came from?

Does that explains why the same man can treat that one woman a way different then he ever treated any other lady from his past?It's not juju abi voodoo. It is not about him,her or you being bad. Or good.
It's just means that a right "chemical reaction " had happened and that two people clicked in the right way,like never before.

Some people simply take the worst while others can,effortlessly, take the best out of us,but again,there is absolutely nothing personal about that.

That is why ,if you hold anything against anyone you should simply let go of it. Forgive. Don't let bitterness block your blessings.
That does not mean you should settle for being treated poorly,but you should not regret anything ether :it was meant to teach you something valuable.

But most importantly,please understand that beginning of that ideal romance you dream of does not starts once you meet HIM. It starts once you discover,embrace and fall in love with yourself,because what you don't cure in singleness will like a disease spread in togetherness.

Wednesday 8 February 2017

You Can't Be A Good Woman To Him If You Are A Not Good Woman To Yourself

Women keep breaking their heads : why do their men take them for granted when they are being good to them? You do everything to satisfy his every need. You are a definition of a real ,good woman ,just how your mom taught you: your cleaning and cooking skills are out of this world,you take care of your home ,you don't do anything a woman should not do and you obey your man and take care of him like he is your baby.
So how come he doesn't seem to be exited about having you as his lady?
You try so hard to do everything "to the book" and you can't seem to understand what are you doing wrong?
Why you can't have a fulfilled relationship with your man where he appreciates your efforts and everything you add into his life?

Since we were little girls we were taught that "good woman" must not put herself first. That our purpose is to take care of everything and everyone else before ourselves.
That is why ,through generations women face exactly the same frustrations in relationships,because no one ever told them that in order to have people around you happy ,you need to be happy with yourself first.

Even when you prepare him the most delicious meal he would prefer to eat outside if you are all the time angry,frustrated,over sensitive,passive and negative.
Believe it or not,the most precious thing we can give out to people around us is our VIBE.
That vibrant,contagious positive,energy and that undeniable sex-appeal that comes out of self confidence and self love.

And for that my dear,you need to do you first.

Self love is not an empty word,it  requires loving actions as well. Effort.
If you don't feel good about yourself ,stop making excuses and work on it. If you can't change it,then learn how to make a peace with it.

Women can sit,eat,cry about their weight and complain about girls exposing their bikini bodies on social media . Haba.
Once you are not feeling good in your own skin,you won't feel good about the world around you and you will find reasons for negativity in everything and anything. Then meanness becomes a form of self defense and consolation.
Imagine a frequency of such attitude. No normal human being would want to be around you.
Pay attention on yourself.If you notice you are being petty,moody and mean-it's a sign that you should definitely change something about yourself and your lifestyle,because it's not others you have a problem with.
And by change,I don't mean fixing your hair,buying a waist trainer or getting a help from a professional make up artist once in a while.No.
I mean things that will make you fall in love with yourself bare naked. Do things that are will help you keep your spirit negativity free. That will help you win good mood daily. Distract your mind from toxic thoughts about people,situations and yourself.
Explore your potentials,stop letting them rot .Start working out. Dance classes. Yoga. Something that
will help you renew your mind,body and soul. Remember your secret passion. Embrace it,work on it. Read. Expand your knowledge. Feed yourself with informations that will make your heart smile,not with ones that upsets you. Meditate. Try and making home made organic face masks,light a candle,drink a glass of wine : your private spa moment if you can't afford professional ones. Eat right. Eat healthy. Drink water.Lots of water.When you eat heavy,fried food you become even more lazy and angry. Jealous and insecure. Guilty. Anxious.

You can't tell me that a good woman is one who abounded herself.

The way your man sees you is just a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself.

You think that good woman means a good housewife. A servant. A cook. Not really.
Your purpose as someone's partner is way deeper and it's to inspire them and help them get the best out of themselves and in order to be capable of doing such you need to work on getting the best out of yourself first.

This is 21st century and there is nothing appealing about desperate,unhappy,unfulfilled  housewife.
Quit with excuses and find a way to make time for yourself.

Selfish is to request from someone to see in you what you can't see yourself ,not putting yourself as your own priority.

You can't pour from an empty cup.

Work on being  the energy you want to receive.