Wednesday 12 July 2017

The Reason Why Marriages Turns Into A Source of Agony,Frustration & Misery

There are folks who desperately want to get married,but marriage as well scares tones of people.
I was not a person who ever believed in marriage as an institution.
Don't get it twisted - I always believed in love ,I just thought that the whole drama that comes with institutionalizing it is quite pointless and unnecessary. Like,what the piece of paper changes exactly? I felt like that paper is not there for a couple but for the society so you can prove to the world around you that your love is "that" serious. For real?
Secondly,I was wondering why most of people who are actually married don't seem excited and happy about it,in fact,I always used to get impression (from their body languages and face expressions maybe) like they are exhausted,bored and annoyed to death.
Meanwhile,everyone is generally much more enthusiastic while dating.Let me ask again,what that little piece of paper does to people? How does marriage certificate changes nature of relationship between two people for worse? Hello?!

Even when I finally got married,some fears were still present and my resistance towards marriage as an institution didn't completely vanish.

Norms. Terms. Regulations. Obligations. Expectations.Rules.
Is that what marriage is all about? Someone already prescribed what we "must" do as "married women" or "married men". And even before we get married ,we are already seriously brainwashed with tones of expectations and that is,in my opinion,the source of most issues,frustration and fights that follow the famous institution of marriage.

Let me explain.

Moment you start feeling like your partner has obligation to do or not do certain things,you automatically close space and door for appreciation. "Wait ,must I clap for you because you made me a dinner? Are you not my wife?" Or " What is a big deal,you did not do me a favor,you are just providing for your family like a man was suppose to! Or what,I should go to other men and ask them to get it done for me?"
You feel me?

That shit doesn't normally happen while we are dating as much as it happens when we marry,simply because we now feel like other person owe us for being our spouse and the expectations the idea of marriage programs in our minds makes us take all the efforts your partner makes  -for granted. " Isn't that what he/she was suppose to do anyways?"

Expectations based on these "norms" also make us always seek for what is not there instead of focusing on beautiful moments,features  and gestures  that are present.
Just because someone was brainwashing you all your life about what "marriage was suppose to be" doesn't mean it must happen that way, to the book. It's not a script we try to manifest in reality.
Every couple's story is different,individual and unique,so focus on you two and stop comparing your partner to your mother,father  or lives other married people live (or you think they do).

Start focusing on effort.You will see how hard your partner actually tries for you. Train yourself to see everything he/she does for you as an act of his/hers good,free will (despite the fact your mom did it for your dad everyday or vica versa) and you will start loving them on a whole different level.
Because,the truth is,whether you like it or not,he/she did not really have to do it at the end of the day,

The truth is,as human beings that we are,our worst behavior comes out when we feel unappreciated,taken for granted,unnoticed and not valued enough. That is how you start holding a heavy heart and hard feelings against your partner and it affects your general attitude towards him/her. Women start nagging,complaining,always unhappy and moody,men stop coming back home. That is how married couples create a gap and distance between each other and end up living like roommates,if not strangers.

The whole beauty of union between two people is not about wearing a ring or posting Instagram quotes and "couple goals" pictures ,it is is in appreciation.
The moment you forget to appreciate,you will stop seeing how loved and special you actually are to that person and magic will vanish.

I know it is not easy,but forget rules and norms. It's not about what a married man or a woman was suppose or not suppose to do,say,wear.
Don't allow it affect the raw nature of relationship you two already built for yourselves.
The one and only norm that must be obeyed is happiness and fun you need to have together.

Forget everyone else's opinion,marriage is for two of you only.
Let no one and nothing spoil your fun.

Wednesday 5 July 2017

TopSecret : How To Make Your Partner Change

"Things would be better if you only change" feels like a mission on it's own in 90% of relationships.
There is something you just can't deal with and you use all the energy,focus,strength and heart in you to make other person change because you assume: That is the only way we will be happy together. That is the way he/she was supposed to be/act/think/behave.

We never feel like the change we want to see is a bad change. Somehow, it is all about achieving what was suppose to be normal. For you own good as a couple,right? All in the name of Love.

Been there ,done that.

And I felt so right about it. But then ,when I felt like my partner is trying to change certain things about me,I started thinking differently about this whole matter. In fact,I felt offended. Less worthy. I took it so personal. Every bit of it.My Ego was crying,my pride was hurt.  More he talks about my flows,more I resist the change.
Wait a minute, wasn't I supposed to be loved for who I am?

What a bloody confusion.
So do we have a right to insist on changing someone we were suppose to love the way they are? Because that is what Love is about ,isn't it? It is all about acceptance,right?
Dilemma of life.

I observed myself. I observed my man. I took my time. I tried being objective.

First of all,we are human beings,which makes us super egocentric by nature (don't even try to deny it), which means: we tend to see the world around us in our own way,from our own ,very personal angle and,accordingly, we grow super strict expectations that we hold on to so anxiously,convinced about how right and "normal" things we expect are,hiding behind social and traditional norms,and our egocentric,(dictatorship kinda) nature makes us act like everyone around us must agree with it and accept it as their own reality.

And in relationships,we, apparently, do it all "in the name of Love". Or at least,that is what we claim.Could it be more ironic than this?. Lol. Love ain't got nothing to do with it. We do it to satisfy that egocentric nature of ours.  That is how we end up being so obsessed with looking for flaws,imperfections,wrongs and for what to change and for what is just "not fair" and "not right",instead of simply enjoying and stop resisting the happiness that is already there. 

And that is the source of the problems we have.

More you look for imperfections in your partner,more you will find them. I promise you.

The reason why the quality of a relationship drops during the time is not because partners changed,but because we change THE FOCUS from good features and decide to give all our attention,heart,passion and time to the bad ones.

And guess what,what we focus on grows.

I am not saying you have to settle for rubbish treatments,disrespect or for anything less that you dream of. You know I do not believe in settling. Ever.
But sometimes,in relationships, be become delusional,lost and confused because emotions are involved.
That is why,you have to know the person you are with. Weight Good VS Bad in him/her so you know if he/she is what you truly want.
If yes,it's actually very easy to make them become your dream partner  and make all these little flows disappear.Not buy changing them directly,but by changing the only thing you have absolute power and control over: your own perception about them.

Moment you start practicing Loving Actions towards your man (or a woman),you will understand what I am talking about. But don't ever get it twisted: Loving Actions are not harsh,disturbing,or loud. Loving Actions are not an excuse for you to nag,complain,regret,blackmail.Loving Actions are all about embracing goodness you discovered in your partner and about discovering some more. Loving Actions means encouragement and support without looking for anything in return. You don't do it for the count. It's simply a loving action.

That is exactly what my husband used to change me ,but than, I actually changed myself ,he was just loving me for who I am by focusing on the goodness in me.
I did the same for him when I finally let go of my egocentric nature that insisted on particular scenario of how was he suppose to behave,act and react,and replaced with Loving Actions that helped him overcome all the issues or personal,even childhood challenges he had to deal with.

So before you let your egocentric nature convince you that there is a strict plan and program about how your partner should behave,act,think,love you,dress and express himself (herself),ask yourself how we would you feel like if someone constantly focus on your flows and imperfections and what is not right and correct about you?Let me tell you right away: Absolutely unappreciated and invisible. Like there is nothing to love about you ,just the way you are. And how could you ever possibly give the best of you to someone who makes you feel that way?

So let go of your egocentric nature,let go of that silly idea that everyone around you must see the world,"rights" and "wrongs", the way you do,let go of what people will say or think,let go of social norms and everything else that creates all sorts of ridiculous expectations that will make you forget how to appreciate and enjoy everything good that is already there and just LOVE yourself,your partner without a fear,calculation or doubt and you will see how problems and issues melt simply because we stopped feeding them attention and we focused on fulfilling our purpose as someone's partner.

Because LOVE is the strongest,most powerful  force in the Universe . It moves mountains and gives birth to miracles.