Wednesday 5 July 2017

TopSecret : How To Make Your Partner Change

"Things would be better if you only change" feels like a mission on it's own in 90% of relationships.
There is something you just can't deal with and you use all the energy,focus,strength and heart in you to make other person change because you assume: That is the only way we will be happy together. That is the way he/she was supposed to be/act/think/behave.

We never feel like the change we want to see is a bad change. Somehow, it is all about achieving what was suppose to be normal. For you own good as a couple,right? All in the name of Love.

Been there ,done that.

And I felt so right about it. But then ,when I felt like my partner is trying to change certain things about me,I started thinking differently about this whole matter. In fact,I felt offended. Less worthy. I took it so personal. Every bit of it.My Ego was crying,my pride was hurt.  More he talks about my flows,more I resist the change.
Wait a minute, wasn't I supposed to be loved for who I am?

What a bloody confusion.
So do we have a right to insist on changing someone we were suppose to love the way they are? Because that is what Love is about ,isn't it? It is all about acceptance,right?
Dilemma of life.

I observed myself. I observed my man. I took my time. I tried being objective.

First of all,we are human beings,which makes us super egocentric by nature (don't even try to deny it), which means: we tend to see the world around us in our own way,from our own ,very personal angle and,accordingly, we grow super strict expectations that we hold on to so anxiously,convinced about how right and "normal" things we expect are,hiding behind social and traditional norms,and our egocentric,(dictatorship kinda) nature makes us act like everyone around us must agree with it and accept it as their own reality.

And in relationships,we, apparently, do it all "in the name of Love". Or at least,that is what we claim.Could it be more ironic than this?. Lol. Love ain't got nothing to do with it. We do it to satisfy that egocentric nature of ours.  That is how we end up being so obsessed with looking for flaws,imperfections,wrongs and for what to change and for what is just "not fair" and "not right",instead of simply enjoying and stop resisting the happiness that is already there. 

And that is the source of the problems we have.

More you look for imperfections in your partner,more you will find them. I promise you.

The reason why the quality of a relationship drops during the time is not because partners changed,but because we change THE FOCUS from good features and decide to give all our attention,heart,passion and time to the bad ones.

And guess what,what we focus on grows.

I am not saying you have to settle for rubbish treatments,disrespect or for anything less that you dream of. You know I do not believe in settling. Ever.
But sometimes,in relationships, be become delusional,lost and confused because emotions are involved.
That is why,you have to know the person you are with. Weight Good VS Bad in him/her so you know if he/she is what you truly want.
If yes,it's actually very easy to make them become your dream partner  and make all these little flows disappear.Not buy changing them directly,but by changing the only thing you have absolute power and control over: your own perception about them.

Moment you start practicing Loving Actions towards your man (or a woman),you will understand what I am talking about. But don't ever get it twisted: Loving Actions are not harsh,disturbing,or loud. Loving Actions are not an excuse for you to nag,complain,regret,blackmail.Loving Actions are all about embracing goodness you discovered in your partner and about discovering some more. Loving Actions means encouragement and support without looking for anything in return. You don't do it for the count. It's simply a loving action.

That is exactly what my husband used to change me ,but than, I actually changed myself ,he was just loving me for who I am by focusing on the goodness in me.
I did the same for him when I finally let go of my egocentric nature that insisted on particular scenario of how was he suppose to behave,act and react,and replaced with Loving Actions that helped him overcome all the issues or personal,even childhood challenges he had to deal with.

So before you let your egocentric nature convince you that there is a strict plan and program about how your partner should behave,act,think,love you,dress and express himself (herself),ask yourself how we would you feel like if someone constantly focus on your flows and imperfections and what is not right and correct about you?Let me tell you right away: Absolutely unappreciated and invisible. Like there is nothing to love about you ,just the way you are. And how could you ever possibly give the best of you to someone who makes you feel that way?

So let go of your egocentric nature,let go of that silly idea that everyone around you must see the world,"rights" and "wrongs", the way you do,let go of what people will say or think,let go of social norms and everything else that creates all sorts of ridiculous expectations that will make you forget how to appreciate and enjoy everything good that is already there and just LOVE yourself,your partner without a fear,calculation or doubt and you will see how problems and issues melt simply because we stopped feeding them attention and we focused on fulfilling our purpose as someone's partner.

Because LOVE is the strongest,most powerful  force in the Universe . It moves mountains and gives birth to miracles.


  1. I love this piece - Kamcea

  2. u are a powerful woman with so much wisdom in u. ur write ups are so powerful and u are truly a blessing to many of us

  3. thank u for sharing this ,u really changed my whole perception about my own relationship. i love u

    1. This had really helped me,thank you

  4. LUV U 4DIS MA

  5. First of all I love your blog so much. i am not sure u know the impact u have on our lives. U give us hope. U are really changing ppls lives. Keep it up

    1. How did you come about such great wisdom... And to pen it down with understandable words 💯☑.

    2. My tots exactly! She is so brilliant!

  6. This is so big Sonia.reading every piece in your blog always gives me new perceptions of how to handle life issues,and seriously this is what is happening in most relationships today.Some times we all have to look beyond the flaws.
    your write up is always dope.May God continue to give u the wisdom you desire to do more .

  7. Write a book ma. U r goo gud in dis

  8. Hey baby boo u make too much sense . Love u

  9. Sent this to my ex bf and he loved this. Meanwhile he tried to change my whole identity lol thanks for the great read boo

  10. Thanks a lot for sharing. God bless you

  11. Great writeup you got here. Just some typo errors that need to be corrected. e.g "flaws" instead of "flows". Keep up the great job. God bless.

  12. your blog is too much! wow! bravo!

  13. I totally love this, thanks ma