Why Is SEX All They Want From You?

I received tones of messages and emails recently from mostly young girls asking me to help them understand why it seems like they can't find a man that wants anything deeper then a casual sexual relationship.
You  probably feel like you are doing something wrong and that problem must be in you since no man is interested in having a stable relationship with you.
That is how you developed an opinion about yourself : that you are not worthy enough,intelligent enough,interesting enough. Otherwise why would they see nothing but couple of breast and ass in you.

See what is the thing:

When you don't know what defines you and when you are not familiar with your own worth,you lack confidence.
Once you lack confidence you are weak and men can feel it because it comes with fears (just like in jungle where predators look for vulnerable,weak,timid animals,but you won't see lion going after a tiger). That is why you are their target when they are trying to "get lucky".

You feel lost,confused,insecure,and you need man's attention desperately so you can feel better in your skin.

Especially when you desperately want to be engaged in a serious relationship,you secretly tend to give a chance to everyone,and everyone is a potential boyfriend to you until they prove you that was not what they came for.
Men do take advantage of a woman that is not aware of herself because that woman is in constant fear. She is afraid to say "NO" because she does not want to push her "potential boyfriend" away.
She is afraid to stand for herself and she drops her criteria and standards so low and that is why men find space to treat her anyhow.
Then after they finish with you and you see them next day with another girl or they stop picking your calls ,you start feeling terribly useless and worthless.

It is well my dear.
No one was born wise. Young girls do not know because no one teaches them.

No one teaches young girls self love and self respect. They simply PROHIBIT us from doing particular things (we anyways end up doing  most of the times) because it's "wrong", "shameful" or "disgraceful" but they still don't teach us our worth,powers and many reasons why we run this game and why are we a captains of their ships. They don't teach us to believe in ourselves and our worth,instead they teach us to be afraid of being judged,pointed at or labeled.

So nothing is wrong with you. You have so much to offer,in fact I am sure you are much more then you know now. But instead of focusing so desperately on getting a man who will love you and adore you for who you are,you should first learn how to love and adore yourself for who you are. Find what  you are good at and embrace it to perfection . Discover your skills,your strengths and understand that you are a precious diamond. Once you understand who are you and where you stand,what you bring to the table will give you a confidence on another level,guys will loose power they have over you and you will gain yours.

Treat yourself with so much love,pamper yourself ,do for yourself all these things you want to receive from your ideal man so your standards can rise up.

Most importantly,make peace with yourself and your life. Stop letting your past experiences make you feel bad about yourself. You are not your mistakes.We learn,we change we grow. 4 years ago I did not know 2% of what I know now.

Work on yourself doll and remember,

You are the boss.

Naija Big Girls,Pimps,Runs Girls & Sonia

This is a story I must share with y'all since you have been so faithful with your views,comments,love and support. I think y'all deserve juicy something after all.

So,my husband,Ik,found me on social media  The first moment he saw my pictures he told people that were around him at that moment "Y'all look at this girl,I just saw my wife ".
He was on set shooting a movie and the whole crew laughed at him.
"Ik,even if this kind of a girl fly all the way from wherever she is coming from to see you,after 5 days she would leave you for one billionaire,politician or oil mogul like that,receive sense please ".

He just smiled,.
So that is my Ik. Without any big money in his account at that time,without a powerful family name,he did not doubt his vision,not for a second. "That girl is my wife". Period. His confidence is just a material for a whole another story.

However,I came to Lagos (after only 3 weeks of us chatting day and night,well my madness is also a story for another day lol).We started our relationship,in fact to be very honest,we started living together,immediately. I did not consider myself a "wife material" in any possible way,nether I was dying to get married, so I always used to ask him why is he so sure that I will become his wife. He said "you already are my wife. A man simply knows,he feels it in his heart".

Hmmmm. Okkkkk ohhh (well I am now hehe).
However,as you guys know,we started showing up publicly everywhere together,I met (literally) all the "it" Lagos people and surely a lot of "big Lagos girls" since he knew most of them for years.
Duhh,I like to see fine girls,For real.Lagos babes carried me away. Always dressed up,dolled up,fine!
But hmmm.. as we were all hanging out,for some reason ladies used to ask for my number,which would be very ok if it was not behind Ik's back. Like why would you not want my man to know that you,his sister and friend,want to get my number?
Lol
The offers I used to get. You guys!

"My boss would like to meet you"
"Someone wants to see you,person is big,Google him,he can change your life"
"Darling don't be stupid,don't waste your beauty"
"It's ok that you have your boo,but you need someone to maintain your beauty"
"20 000$?"
"He wants to fly you to Dubai to get to know you"
"Be wise"
"Ik does not need to know"

What .. Wait.. Whooow.. For real??
Nigeria and money. Damn.

Ok...If I say I judge them for their life choices and ways ,I would lie. Honestly,I don't understand  how and why would a man give someone all that money in exchange for a vagina,but you guys... that money men use to pay for ladies in Nigeria is CRAZY!
Are young girls tempted? Of course they are. It is not easy beeing a beautiful girl in Nigeria ,especially if you was not born with a silver spoon. Even I felt some type of way when  I heard numbers these ladies were calling. Like things an average human being would have to work for his entire life someone can just come and give you in a week. Let's be realistic: would you not give it a thought?

However .
What did I do?
Tempted or not,it was too late.I already got attached to this young man that has so much kindness,care,love and wisdom in himself. A brave young man who's confidence,honesty,faith and non judgmental attitude towards me and my whole life story made me fall in love. A man who started from zero without anyone's support or help,all by himself,with so much determination and passion to make something SUPER big out of his life. A man that was sure that I was his missing rib.


Secondly,I knew he had a bad experiences from  his past (most of the ladies he used to date used to have multiple sugar daddies/sponsors on the side,it was almost a norm).

I guess they did not see what I saw.

So....

I told Ik everything. Everytime they call or even ask for my number ,we already knew whats up.He never took actions of his female friends/colleagues personal. Same here,at this point,I don't think they are bad or evil people,I still like most of them in a way,what they tried to do is just a reflection of their own reality and lifestyle. I don't even think their intention was bad ,girls pray to meet such wealthy men everyday. I guess they just thought we could all (me and them) benefit out of it(PIMPING).

What was really important  to Ik was the fact that I was honest and transparent with him and I'm sure his heart smiled because it seemed like his intuition about me did not fail him.

But I was VERY surprised.
With myself. Something was so unusual and different.
In my whole life,I was never completely honest or faithful to any man. Ever.Ever. This is not even a matter of a morals (I did not have much of it to be very honest) .  I saw my blessing.

That was a sign big enough .
Nothing really mattered more then one man's heart and no money would be able to buy me that.

Finally,with all the confidence in my heart,for the first time I knew : I have found the One.

Getting Married Does Not Mean You Won A Jackpot!Why So Desperate For Marriage?

Who teaches all these girls that marriage is an absolute purpose of female's existence? In 21st century I still have a feeling like all they teach you since you are born is how to make a "good wife" and "catch" someone who will marry you. Since very early age they teach girls how to suffocate and sacrifice their own NATURE,dreams ,needs and ambitions ,they tell them,in many different ways they must settle and accept/stomach/tolerate whatever it takes,all for sake of "protecting" the marriage,while men are allowed to act how they feel like acting.

That is why most of the women I come across act like getting married is the highest level of acknowledgement a female can get. Like it's a lifetime recognition or something. Like a damn piece of paper (marriage certificate) is a proof that you are better and more superior then other ladies without a husband (?!).

All this would not bother me if I did not see how deep this matter is .Things women do to "catch" a husband? Disturbing.

Let's start with pregnancy.
Intentionally getting pregnant so you can get someone to marry you-common!
Do you REALLY think that you have no other quality that would make someone fall in love and spend a life with you but someone's DNA in your womb? Why is your opinion about your own self that low?
Even of you get married that way,you think that's a success?An accomplishment? Once you receive sense you will understand that marriage is not a FINAL GOAL,it's just a BEGINNING of a whole new chapter with challenges on it's own where you would need a constant support,understanding and compromise for sake of having a peace of mind. So how you think someone who doesn't give a damn about you will help you build a good,happy life? You will suffer even more,every day of your life..but hey,you are married,point proven right? Your church members and your village is happy with you,what more could be more important than that?

You can't force someone into marriage. I mean you can but you can't force them into loving you. No amount of "wife matter" skills,cooking skills,voodoo,juju,blackmails,manipulations or threats can grant you a happy life with someone who does not care about your well being.

Secondly I feel bad and embarrassed on a behalf of the whole womanhood when I see you acting like man is doing you a favor by generously deciding to make you his wife. Like WTF? Is that why you want to kill yourself trying to impress with cooking and cleaning  for someone who is not even sure of acknowledging you as his girlfriend so you can make them see "how good you are" and how much of a "wife material" you are.

Why do you constantly throw your efforts,your best at someone who might not be interested to know (not even handle) your worst? Don't you think that the best of you should be kept for someone who cares about you and who accepts and loves you just the way you are?

Again. What exactly is marriage?
All you want is a celebration and a peace of paper aka marriage certificate?
It's a life,emotions,care,understanding ,encouragement,support,passion and moments you guys share together that really matters and somehow people just do not even think about it. All this can't be faked all because  your friends got married and you feel left out.

I am married,even thou I thought I was never going to get married simply because I did not believe in an institution on marriage because I saw how many people do live a very miserable lives just for sake of having a "correct" picture for society and prove that their life is also "to the book" like it "suppose" to be.
What I understand now is that is most of people do marry for a very wrong reasons,mostly for approval they seek from people around them,to avoid being judged or criticzed.
They settle and that is why they are not happy and that is why marriage seems so be so damn boring most of the times when you look from the outside.

I love my husband more then I can express,of course, we have ups and downs, but our foundation is unbreakable. Why? Because he first got to know my worst,he did not run because I did not appear as a Virgin Mary,instead he was wise enough and  saw my best through it and brought it out of me. We were real. No sugar coating,no "wife material" pretending. I was just me,he was just him and that is what makes us fall in love with each other every day. I call it spiritual ,emotional and mental nakedness.

Marriage certificate itself  is so irrelevant in a life we share together.

Focus on right things and you will have them.
Focus on formalities and that's all you gonna get-a boring formal life.
Most of all,know your worth. He will want to spend his life with you because you are a magical woman,a blessing,the most beautiful good luck charm in his life. A Queen. Not a desperate housewife  that wanted to get married by fire by force because she is "not getting any younger".

Be patient,believe,love yourself and never settle.
The best is yet to come.

Thank you for all the love and support.

Your shares and comments means a lot

.

xx

TurnOff: Your Man Does Not Want You To Need Him

Do you feel unappreciated? You feel like attention you get from your man is not enough despite everything you do for him. You try so hard ,you dress up,you wear clothes he likes,you fix your hair the way he likes,you cook his favorite meals,you do everything you believe will please him.

And there is nothing wrong with that right?

Surely,when you do it to put a smile on his face and when you do all this things to make the person you love happy.

But there is a PROBLEM when you do it to earn approval.

Approval that you are worthy. Good enough. Beautiful.

Approval that you are a real woman . A good woman.

Like your whole existence does not matters without his "certificate".

You need to stop trying to earn love. One is loved simply because he/she is loved,despite all the imperfections or flaws,not because one earned it.

Have you ever been in need of anything? Money,time,attention,love,sex..anything? 

Need is almost equal to DESPERATION,followed with a feeling of not having what you want and accent is hardly on the fact that you don't own it,it's not yours or you are not good/fortunate enough to have it. 

My dear friends,there is no bigger turn off then desperation.

Think about guys you find desperate aka "thirsty". You'd run aways from such dude immediately.

Like why would you want to give a chance to someone who doesn't believe he's good enough himself? 

So that is exactly what turns your man off. He secretly wants you to know yourself what you got(what you workin' with lol) regardlessly. 

It's like you want to sell a product and you don't believe in effectiveness or quality of it. Who would buy it? Would you buy from such seller in the market  yourself because he is begging you to buy it? Of course not. 

Sounds silly,but it's pretty much the same thing with people. 

Stop being in need.

You actually don't need anyone to make you feel good and that way no one will have power to make you feel bad. You must learn to be happy all alone,by yourself. No man or relationship can save you or change your life if you don't have a healthy and loving relationship with yourself first. 

And that relationship with yourself also requires efforts-it does not fall the sky. You have to work on yourself. On your career,inner peace,financial independence and happiness. On your spiritual and emotional growth. On your body and soul. Once you can do it and have it all by yourself suppoerted by self confidence and self awarness,you will never settle for being mistreated in a miserable relationship  because someone does one or two things  for you that you can't do for yourself. If you are happy alone you would never tolerate to be unhappy with other human being and you will be very selective with the type of people you let come close to you.

That is why insecure men love their women being disable to take care of themselves so they can control them. Not just financially. They like them to be insecure and desperate so they can feel like someone is doing them a favor by being with them. That helps insecure man feel worthy.

On the other hand,normal,a confident man would never be attracted to such ladies and that is why you as a woman,you need to know what defines you and you need to be aware of your worth and not to look for someone else to acknowledge it.

So as you can see ,a real woman can do it all by herself..

But guess what?

Real man would never let her,because he still like his woman to feel like a woman. ;)

Lovr yourself,Love him,don't need him.

Thanks for all the love and support! 

Your comments and shares means a lot!

Much Love 

8 HABITS OF MISERABLE AND FAILED LIFE

Life happens. Different situations pop up and that's how it is to every single one of us.

When things are not going our way we are surely unhappy,frustrated,worried,maybe even to the point we enter depression.

Somehow,we were taught to be controlled by circumstances we find ourselves in to the point we don't  even consider possibility  of approaching the same situation from a different angle,poin of view or with a different attitude towards it . 

What makes us feel bad is not an external factor or something that happens without our control or approval. It's not a circumstance that trigs the negative emotion. It's the way we see it,understand it and a meaning we attatch to it. 

True reasons of our unhappiness lays somewhere here :

1) YOU COMPETE 

Comperism and competitive attitude opens great door for ENVY and JEALOUSY. That competitive attitude makes you see others as a threat and makes you feel like they are TAKING SOMETHING AWAY FROM YOU by them doing good. The truth is ,it opens space for our fears to manifest and that brings us terrible tension and pressure that can only DISTRACT your  FOCUS from your goals and bring bad,unpleasant feelings into your heart. The only healthy competition is the one you have with your old self. That will help you appreciate your journey and make you realize how far you have gone. 

2) YOU FEEL UNFORTUNATE 

I trained myself to see every circumstance and situation as a blessing (which is also a manifestation of my faith). That helped me so much especially while I was crossing some extremely tough paths. Everytime something unexpectedly bad happen to me ,I feel like it's a sign that somethings AMAZING is coming because I AM FORTUNATE. I am BLESSED and LOVED and everything happens in my FAVOR. Then I seriously do feel an excitement in my heart while expecting amazing things to happen. I prepare for it and that's exactly what eventually ALWAYS happen-the worst moments of my life are always followed with a beautiful testemonies later on. 

3) YOU COMPLAIN

Let me tell you what is a complaint: a CONFESSION. You use such a powerful tool  (YOUR MOUTH) to confess things you don't want. You claim them. And you begin to own them. No matter what is happening to you,stop only focusing on what makes you feel bad. You still have life millions are praying for every single day. Every complaint that comes out of your mouth brings u step closer to where you don't want to be. It have never done any good. Ever. You have a power to speak your future into existence. Be mindful !

4) YOU ARE NOT GRATEFUL 

If you only knew power of gratitude you would be grateful every single moment of your life. Grateful heart is truly a magnet for miracles,I can guarantee you that. Start thanking every single day for all these things you take for granted every day just because one of two things are not going your way. Appreciate whatever you have : your health,incomes,family,friends,food,home - even if it's not perfect. More you are grateful for it ,better it will get. I promise. 

5) YOU CANNOT FEEL GOOD WHEN OTHERS PROSPER 

When other people's success disturbs you that means you did not settle for your own. You feel like your very own successful story is far away from you and that is why others being there already makes you feel anxious. When you don't want to see or help others win,you only try to make yourself feel comfortable in your own situation. We also tend to DISCREDIT others when they do something really big ("she got it only because......" /"Its easy for them because...."/"If my dad was as rich as his I would also..."). 

No . This way you would not move any forward.Instead,why wouldn't you feel MOTIVATED? INSPIRED? If they could do it,that means it's possible! You can as well learn something new. Now that's some serious driving force! 

6) YOU DON'T WORK ON YOURSELF 

Number 5 ofter comes hand to hand with this bad habit. We tend to make ourselves feel comfortable with being uncomfortable in our own skin. Work hard on upgrading yourself. Invest in yourself.Whatever makes you feel bad can be changed ! There is nothing you can't  correct with some work and dedication. But,for sure,its easier to get lazy. Then we get intimidated when we see others work on themselves. When they work on their skills,body,education,personal features. When they want to "slay" in every possible way .It bothers us and then we become evil and mean. WHY?It makes us feel ashamed of our laziness and we start feeling like a failure and in order to protect ourselves we comment and think negativley. We force ourselves not to see beauty in the world around us and we can not wait to see others fall. This whole mental state is super toxic and it can not coexist with happiness and a peace of mind. Nothing feels better then loving youself. Do not forget,Love requiers ACTIONS and that means you will also have to work on your body,soul and mind. And that love,work and dedication to your own self is a master key to a happy life. It will set you free to know you gave maximum into building your beautiful self.

7) YOU TAKE EVERYTHING PERSONAL 
Life must feel like a horror movie when you act and live like the world around you is against you. Then you look for an evil intention in everything ,even in the most naive coincidenecs,gestures or comments you meet. You trust no one and everyone is always ploting against you and people always think and talk bad about you and based on things you do. HUH ?!REALLY ?
Well more you believe in it ,Life will give you more situations to match your beliefes.
BUT! The truth is ,whatever other people do has nothing to do with you. Their opinion about you and your life has much more to do with themselves then with you.
They as well  fight their own battles and we are all different :what you find offending might not offent them and what you find wrong might be very ok in their own wolrd. And it's all good. Stop overthinking. I see everyone as a fellow human being and that brings me genuie love and understanding for people even when they keep on sending me the wrong kind of energy. That does not mean you must kill youself to be loved,liked and approved by others or that you have to build friendship with every one.Nah. But with this kind of attitude no one will be able to make you feel bad with their own personal actions you can not control. Maya Angelou once said "When you know better ,you do better". Some simply do not know any better. Forgive anyways.

8) YOU DO NOT TRAT YOUSELF WITH LOVE AND FORGIVNESS
Being harsh to your own self will always keep you in the same old spot. Treat yourself with love and kindness as you would treat people you love and care about. Stop blaming yourself ,stop with self pity,and stop living in past. You are not your mistakes and there is nothing to be ashamed of. WEALL  DID EMBARASSING THINGS AT SOME POINT AND SO WHAT? No matter what,we all deserve a fresh start and a good  life. So,to get over this matter,embrace your past experiences and be thankful for it ,it molded you into this amazing person you are today and it taught you so much wisdom.

Do You Really Believe Or You Just Fake It?

No matter how you call your God,fundamental essence of every religion on planet earth is Love.

If you forget all the silly misinterpretations of holy books,you would understand that God (no matter how they taught us to call Him) is all about Love. We were created to love and forgive,and most importantly to be LOVED. 

We were created and brought into this world not to suffer. God gave us life to love and trust Him to guide us and understand the unquestionable Love He has for us. 

He look after us even when we don't ask Him to do so. How many times terrible things could have happened to you but somehow you made it well and alive? How many times ugly circumstances turned out in your favor? With all the blessings and testimonies of His love,we still seem to be ungrateful . 

Moment we face an obstacle we tend to forget everything that has been done for us.

We doubt.

We question.

We get offended.

We get angry and upset.
We get SCARED. 

Then you call yourself a BELIEVER. How? Because you read proverbs or sit in church every Sunday? 

To become a believer we have to overcome our weak human nature and FOCUS.

We should understand the phenomenon of LOVE. Unconditional love.

That means that the same hand that created us and made us come this far  is there to look after us and protect us. That means we are SAFE.

Faith is all about trusting that no matter where you find yourself at,there must be a way out.

Faith is when you believe in your blessings before you testify them,before you believe in a POWER OF CURSE OR AN EVIL INTENTION.

Faith is when you are 100% sure that everything,even the most difficult times,happen in YOUR FAVOR,because your are UNCONDITIONALLY LOVED AND TAKEN CARE OF. 

You have faith when you understand that WORRY is not needed because YOU ARE IN GOOD HANDS. 

Religion matter is taken to a whole another level but people do claim the institution of religion more then they live according the major essence of what they call religion.

Because if you did,you would not cry,moan and feel that painful weight on top of your chest. 

You would set yourself free from sorrow and stop overestimating a power of your problems.

You would not spend so much time talking about your "enemies". 

You would understand that you can never LOOSE because you are favored to the point that everything that is coming will be way better then what is gone.

You would be GRATEFUL.

Simply,live ACCORDING YOUR FAITH AND BELIEFS. 

No one is unfortunate. We only choose not to acknowledge our  blessings. 

Give thanks for everything you experienced. And for everything you know He will bless you with and make your dreams come true.

Faith is to know it's coming before you even see it with your own eyes.

So... Are you a believer?

Xoxo

Jealousy : Acceptable,Normal or a Relationship Killer?

I don't think there is a human being that is not familiar with this demonic feeling. 

It simply lays in each and every of us.

Jealousy is just a part of our imperfect human's nature,whether we are rich,poor,successful,wanted etc.

But what exactly is jealousy all about?

Is that a manifestation of love? Lust? Care? 

Is it ok to be jealous?

To what extent?

Well,personally I don't think anything good ever came out of jealousy. 

No bond were built,no problem got solved,no relationship got stronger.

Remember I called it a demonic feeling? Why? Because it can only crush and destroy. It can suffocate,take a life out of relationship and turn it into a worst nightmare.

Jealousy is nothing but a manifestation of a FEAR. 

Fear that we are not good enough. Appealing enough. Smart enough. Attractive enough. Interesting enough,and that someone else will be all that to a person we care about.

Source of jealousy is not in the other person,it is NOT your partner's fault (no matter what he/she does) simply because it's up to us to build our self esteem strong before we get into a relationship with another human being. When you are sure of your worth,who can make you doubt it?

Fear can also come from negative past experiences. You are afraid of being mistreated or betrayed again,so you turn into a possessive beast with a new partner. What if he/she never meant to betray you? What if you are with a person who also looks for honest relationship? Would you be ever be able to see it and enjoy that amazing person God sent your way?

If you ever had a possessive partner,you surely know how difficult is to deal with someone that never trusts you or acknowledges your efforts.It's extra exhausting. You are literally forced  into proving yourself constantly.  It kills intimacy,fun,good times,and most importantly it directly affects freedom of the other person and turns something that suppose to be a beautiful Union between two people into a prison. 

Another fact is,as I always say: what you focus on grows. More you direct your energy towards particular matter,you will definitely start seeing more of it. You will go through the exactly the same pain of being betrayed and cheated on just from mental pictures and false beliefs  you created by yourself in your own head. 

Jealousy is extremely contentious. It starts with one single though. Then thoughs start building up towards the same direction. Before you know you are absolutely out of hand,with no self control or awareness of your actions.

Oh boy,I have been there and I know it's terrible. It's like illness. And I can never go back there. 

We already agreed that jealousy lives in all of us,so it's on us to conquer it. To suffocate it. To ignore false beliefs by focusing on a beautiful truth about your partner.

If you truly feel like you can't trust person you are with,you can as well walk away because there is no point of building a life with a person you don't find trustful. Common,it doesn't make any sense.

But if you are aware of damage jealous behavior brings,then you have to work on yourself. If you don't,you will have the exactly same issues even if you end up with the most perfect person in the world. 

So ,jealousy might manifests  in a relationship with your partner,but it's truly nothing but an reflection of inner conflict caused by a low self esteem. Fall in love with yourself,accept yourself,work on becoming the best possible version of yourself (mentally,physically,emotionally,spiritually) and once you are sure of what truly define you and positive about your own worth,you will get all the strength needed to suffocate jealousy that lays in you.

Remember how they say : "In order to love another human being,you have to love yourself first ".

XoXo 

Thank you so much for all the love,support,shares and subscribes. You are always more than welcome to share your own thoughts and stories with OSB readers and me,of course. 

Much Love