You Say Cheating Is Normal And Ok? Hmmm

Well. I came across different people and I've heard million and one opinion and story about different life matters and situations.

Human nature is very colorful. Very unpredictable. We can't think the same,we can't possibly have the same system of values,points of view,life philosophies and because of that we certainly can't obey (at least not all of us) some of norms and forms of behavior that society is forcing on us.

No matter what,people will always have different religions,different beliefs,different sense of what is right/wrong,beautiful/unattractive etc.

Same thing with monogamy. Not everyone believes in it. And it's ok.

I personally do believe in soulmate. I believe that there is one person in this whole wide world that is meant for you ,that will help you get the best out of you and yes,I do believe in monogamy.

My problem is not in fact that there are people who think differently then I or my husband do.
But I have a serious issue with people deceiving others,especially the ones they claim they love.

If you don't believe in monogamy,than simply  DON'T promise it to anyone. DON'T make a very clear commitment to someone promising them faithfulness and loyalty if you know you can't fulfill it.

Y'all are my people,you know very well that I'm far from a judgement person but the issue we have here is not in fact that you will give me a million and one explanation to justify why is absolutely "normal" to go and have a physical connection with another human being out of your relationship. Nah.

Issue ,my friends,is way deeper.

Problem with adultery is not you getting  sexuality or emotionally involved with another person. What makes it so painful ,deep and wrong is the fact broke your promise and commitment you MADE YOURSELF.
Directly and automatically.

Step two- that clearly means that you will have to get involved with activities like constant lying,hiding-secretive behavior.

How do you call doing things behind someone's back? Betrayal right ?

And what of humiliation? When you do something behind person's back,you make that same person look sooooo stupid. People/person you are seeing/texting/calling/sleeping with/spending money on is laughing at human being  YOU chose to build YOUR life with.

Let me tell you,when things go down in your life,your parents,siblings,friends might feel for you,but the only person that will be there and truly get affected and shaken with whatever you are going through is your life partner-a person you share your life with.

And to betrayal such person,my dear friends,because you lacked courage to be honest and fair to your true nature at the first place,is wrong.

Just be very true to yourself. Don't let society make you do or promise things you are not ready for.

Believe it or not,i know couples that been together for years and decades,they love and care about each other in their own way,but they are openly seeing other people- and guess what? They function. Why? Because there is HONESTY. They don't lie to each other. They don't hide things away from each other. They both agreed on something and it works for them. Now you might think that it's crazy,but I do get essence of these relationships,even though it opposite of what I personally believe in.

Honesty is a key. It's all about respecting a MUTUAL agreement .

On the other hand,I want to tell y'all,especially ladies that it's not normal for you to settle on something that brings you pain.
I said especially ladies,NOT because men cheat more,but only because men cheating is tolerated and more socially acceptable .

Don't let anyone tell you that it's something YOU MUST live with. Stop justifying and excusing behavior that breaks your heart. Adultery is not a norm,it's just a lifestyle and a choice. If it's acceptable and ok for somebody else and if others can live with it,that doesn't mean you have to do the same if it's against what you truly desire or believe in.

People are very different,there is no space for generalization. Just find a person who shares similar system of values with you,so y'all can be on the same page.

Don't settle,stop looking for excuses - if your partner's behavior brings you pain,tears and sleepless nights, then there is a high possibility that you are stuck with a wrong person,because taste of love isn't bitter.


I promise.

"Online Terapy Zone" - Let Me Know What You Think

I have been receiving tones of emails from different people worldwide telling me about their life and relationship problems,and as much as try to reply each and every of you "one on one" because I love y'all and I'm grateful to have you coming to me for an advice,I still can't reply/see all the emails that I get daily. So please don't take it personal .

Your trust means so much to me,so I was thinking that ,if you really have a situation that bothers you and gives you headache/heartache,I should create a platform where I would be publishing your stories (anonymously) and you will get to see not only my opinion,but the opinion of other readers as well.

You would be surprised to see how many people already been through the same situations  you are battling with,and having a platform where you can share experiences without being judged or mocked and be there for each other is really something we all need in this life.

Let's call it our little online therapy zone.

You can start sending me your stories on soniaogbonna1@gmail.com ,
or send me a Direct Message on Instagram @sonialareinaa.

Let's help each other grow,move on to better things in life and be happy .

Your happiness matters to me.

Let me know what you think.

Much love,

Sonia

The Reason Why You Feel Helpless And Paralyzed To Take Your Life Into Your Hands And Get Where You Want To Be

I've been through a lot of changes in past 2 years,my life went from 0 to 100,I moved from
Europe to Africa,I got married,became a mom,faced new,different forms or responsibilities,tapped into new world,new culture,far from everything that was familiar to me.
You would say-all beautiful things,people pray for all that, but the truth is ,every different stage of life brings new things and of course we can't possibly be prepared for all. And yes it happens to everyone to a different extended,we can't know it all even if we think we do,so happens we don't always know how to adapt .

However,at some point,I couldn't keep up,I sinked into a form of depression.

Depression is nasty. Really. I was constantly crying,nothing used to make sense,nothing kept me excited,happy,I felt so lazy to start anything productive considering my life,I lost a will to live and look forward to future,everything seemed so empty and dark.

What did I do?

I started seeing myself as a victim of circumstances and wrong choices I felt I made.
Putting yourself in a role of a victim is very common mechanism of defense we subconsciously develop when we are passing through challenging times and situations that takes more of emotional/physical/mental/intellectual efforts than usual,as we fail to adapt to new circumstances that follows.

Today,by analyzing myself,my thoughts and behavior ,I got to the conclusion of what really kept me paralyzed to move out of this terrible mental state and start seeing and receiving beautiful things that I was surrounded with:

Out of the sudden,it was everybody else's fault,I was blaming people around me for everything that I was going through,for everything I felt I couldn't do,for everything that seemed limited and unavailable for me.

I just decided that I was a helpless victim of other people's actions and decisions and world that is happening so unapologetically around me without waiting for me to come back to my senses.

What exactly made me feel that frozen/paralyzed to shake,move,jump and take my life in my hands?
I just told you- as you accept a role of a victim ,you accept yourself being helpless when it comes to any aspect of your life. Yet,you give power to other people's behavior and actions by truly believing thar they are ones adding to your misery and disaster.

This might also affect people around you in a very bad way:
As soon as you start seeing yourself as a victim,you automatically have an excuse to justify your bad behavior towards people and world around you. You create an excuse,an "explanation",a "reason" for yourself and expect people around you to "buy" it,understand and settle.

And that my friends,make you sink deeper and deeper in places,I'm sure,you don't want to be at.

Self pity leads to frustration,helplessness leads into anger,sadness,aggression or total isolation from the rest of the world. It brings hatred,jealousy,envy into your heart.
This feelings suffocate you,bling you,don't let you breathe. They tie you down and let you rote in your own misery.

Absolutely nothing good can come out of it.
People around you will get tired of your nagging,complains and bad energy you constantly exhale.

But.. Don't blame them.
You became toxic.
No one wants toxic in their system.

That doesn't mean nobody ever truly loved you.
People will love you,care about you,wish you well,but my dear,don't expect anything from anyone.
The truth is,only you can save yourself.
Others can help you with their love and support yes,but moment you understand that the problem is between you and yourself not between you and the rest of the world,you are on the good path.

You certainly can't control the world,but have power in you to filter how world around you will affect you. What really matters is not what you come across,but the way you respond to it.

That is why the only person that can possibly be responsible for what is happening to you is nobody else but - you!

You are one extremely  powerful creature!

Are You Wandering Why Are You Beeing Unfortunate In Love ?

How many times you've asked yourself (then God) what is that about you that makes you so unfortunate in love?

Well..

The relationship you will have is a product of your perception and ideas about relationships in general.

It's really that simple.
Let me explain:

Remember,everybody has their own reality and everybody lives in their own dimension and they are products of our own thoughts and emotions.

Again,these emotions and thoughts are shaped by our perception and past experiences that left marks on our soul.

So now,if you developed an idea about relationships that is supported by lines like:
"All men cheat"
"Love hurts"
"I always attract wrong guys"
"I don't have luck with women"
"All women care about is money"
"Love is not for me,I always end up hurt "
"When you are good,you end up being mistreated "
"They only want you when they can't have you"
"I'm always being taken for granted"
"If you don't use them they will use you" etc.
there is a very high possibility that you will attract exactly the same situation into your life and this lines will really become your personal case.

Why?

Whatever we truly believe in,becomes a norm.

So if you create one general opinion about one particular matter,relationships in this case,it will become your belief and automatically something you settled for,so don't be surprised if you end up going through the same old situations over and over again.

If you are unhappy with your relationships ,the solution is to change the way you think about relationships. Yes,everything starts and ends in your head!
Instead of relating "love" to negative ideas and beliefs,attach positive emotions to it.

Let the thoughts about it excite you,make you happy,optimistic and enthusiastic. Replace fear with faith.
Prepare yourself for blessings and many beautiful experiences.

Leave negative experiences from past stay in the past. Don't let them spoil the future that could be so bright for you.

You are an absolute master of your life.
Your thoughts works like magnet.

Yes,you are powerful like that!

8 Secrets That Helps Me Go Through Issues In My Marriage

From my own experience I can tell you that issues and challenges in relationships comes in very different shapes and shades : from spiritual ones,to emotional,sexual,psychological,extern,inner,usual or not so usual.

Honestly speaking,my husband and I been through many,not to add  that we also come from different parts of the world and that differences in culture and mentality can cause serious gaps and misunderstandings.

Sometimes testing times lasted to the point I would start feeling helpless,tired,lost,frustrated or even depressed . Then I would feel so lonely and misunderstood,homesick and nostalgic,and it would all make my entire mental state very bad to the point I would create problems out of everything and anything.

That's how I learnt that having a family on your own is not always an easy and smooth journey (especially if you decide to go and marry to another part of the world lol)

But you know what I also realized- Every single problem must come with a solution,no other way around.

No matter which battle are you two fighting ,splash yourself with cold water,cool your hear down and ask yourself: "is that a person I want to share my whole life with for a long,long time?"

Once the answer is positive,I would love you to always keep few things in mind. Simple reminders that will help you go through big life challenges:


1. Don't use issues as an excuse to do wrong things.
No,it's not ok to go for a date with person that is hitting on you because your partner  is "stressing you to death".
Nether is ok to go and sleep with another person because your "sex drive is too much and he/she can't handle it".
All this excuses shows how selfish and egocentric human nature can be. When person you "love" is in pain or mental chaos,you dont stab them from the back and betrayal. Love is about holding each other down and gradually get where you want to be together,not throwing everything away and leaving person you committed to love through thick and thin aside so you can satisfy your needs.
Love is selfless. Rather be there for each other.
Remember,friend in need is a friend indeed.

2.Dont call person you love names. Curses and " I love you" can't come out of the same mouth.
Look,no matter how hot my temper is and how passionate I can get (and yes,nobody can drive you crazy like person you love the most),you can't insult or curse your partner. Words can be sharper then a knife,and some of them your partner will never forget. No matter what,you can't disrespect someone you want to share your own life with.

3. Stop with emotional blackmails.
Get Rid of mind games and emotional manipulations. It's childish and totally not needed in a serious union between two people who are trying to build their life together. Do I need to mention that it's also act of selfishness? Love is not all that.

4. You are not there to be putting blame on each other ,you are there to fix the problem.
Thinking of how to prove your partner that whatever is happening to you guys is his/hers fault is just going to help you sink deeper in the mud,darkness and desperation. You won't move an inch forward. Try and see it as an destructive,useless action that will not help you,nether person you claim you love so much.


5. Don't loose focus,remind each other of a bigger picture and major goals.
Issues are distraction. They make you forget the ultimate essence of your Union and all the amazing plans and goals you are on your way to achieve. It's not the end of the world,nothing is dramatic as it seems. Dust yourself off,pick each other up,don't let little things stop you from getting bigger ones.

6. You play for the same team,not against each other.
Remember ,no matter how angry or frustrated you feel at the moment,you love each other and wish nothing but the best for each other.  Don't let wilding emotions get you tripping- you are not an enemies.

7.Don't ever take your partners qualities,efforts and positive characteristics for granted because you are too busy focusing on "what's not there".
Write down all amazing things he/she does for you to show you how much she/he cares. You will feel guilty when you realize for how many things you are not giving him/her credit for.

8. Focus on solution not on problems.
"You get what you focus on,so focus on what you want" -applies on every aspect of life,so it applies when it comes to your relationship.
Think of what you want to happen not what you want to avoid. Fear and worries will help you attract wrong circumstances. More you think of an issue you are facing,you are feeding it with importance and it will grow bigger and stronger and harder to eliminate. So think twice before you let negative thoughts enter your brain. Let you mind go and explore places you two want to be at.

"Do you guys argue at all?" - My Confession: Our Ways Of Passing Through The Storm

People are very often carried away with all the forms of "Instagram" relationships wandering why their own isn't that perfect,colorful or carefree,asking themselves where did they go wrong.

A lot of you are asking me openly how do I maintain my marriage and relationship with my husband to be so drama-free  wandering if we got issues at all.

Then I read your mails/comment/direct messages and smile.
Y'all are cute.

Do you know that me and Ik,my darling husband,are so alike to the point sometimes I feel like if I was a man,I would be just like him. Same temper,same passionate heart,same dominant&bit aggressive  approach when it comes to life.
And you are asking if we have issues? Lol
Two passionate,stubborn capricorns under one roof-you can only imagine how our arguments used to look like in the beginning.

But with wisdom,experience and focus on right things (love,happiness and prosperity as a couple and individuals) we understood  that what really matters is not to feel like it's the end of the world because of things you are facing,but to learn your ways of how to deal with them issues and conquer them together,as a team,not as enemies that you are not.
That will determine the nature and foundation of your relationship.

If you can learn and get positively influenced,motivated and directed on how to build and grow relationship with your partner thanks to social media,than go ahead! But ,don't compare your own love life to what you see on your little screens.  You know that no couple will post picture of them fighting on social media,right? And of course everyone will cherish,share and embrace beautiful moments.

Nothing wrong with that as well.

But a relationship/marriage is an intensive interaction between two people. And we,humans,are born to be imperfect and make mistakes. So no relationship in this world can be all the time smooth and problems-free,even between you and your own mother you love more than anything,just think of how many times you guys could not deal with each other.

The bottom line is- There will always be issues,challenges and plenty bumpy rides you guys will have to pass together.

What I learnt with my husband is that,it's not about how big issue is,but how you approach it.

Anything you pass together will be your blessing because it will make your love stronger .

Your response to Issues is a major indicator of bhow good your team work is - are you going to help each other to fix it all up,will you get each other's back no matter what life brings, or use it as an excuse to run away,bring the third person into picture ,cheat ,betrayal,lie etc.

In next post I will share our personal tips ,straight from out matrimonial pillows that helped us go through many storms and come out of it holding each other's hands stronger than before.

Stay tuned
Xx