Friday, 5 February 2016

You Feel Like Your Partner Is Trying To Change You- Wait,Is That OK?

Yes,I always tell you that you must be loved for who you are and that also means that you should love and accept people around you for who they are-if you feel like changing an essence of their being that means you are not in love with them but with an idea of them you have in your head.

But,truth for the matter,even the mother you love so much and you knew all your life can annoy you so badly and you would gladly change some of her features only if you could.

Now,when you start sharing your life with someone with who you are emotionally involved with ,doesn't matter how good you are together and even though you are a match made in heaven-there will always be some certain things,routines and habits you would change (with pleasure) about your partner,because you think they are not good for him/her or because it simply annoys you for some reason (maybe reminds you of your bad past experiences etc).

I had different relationships in my life,but the only man I ever lived with was(is) my Mr Husband,and funny thing is we started living together immediately we met (smh now I realized we never dated lol) so,naturally,no matter how alike we are and how nicely we get along,it was still a bumpy ride in a way,but,oh well-at least I learnt a thing or two Im planning to share with you  :)

So,let's assume you want the best for your partner,you want him/her to be the best in what he/she is doing,you want him/her to grow,prosper emotionally,spiritually and professionally (well that's what love is about,no?),you also want to see positive changes in your relationship and make it as better and healthier as possible,you have some ideas how things suppose to be done,but,at the same time,your partner has some ways you don't really like much because you think they might be wrong or won't lead him(two of you) in the right direction.

So since change is the only constant thing in life and you know that a relationship with your partner is healthy only if there is an evidence of prosperity and growth (which  also requires changes),that means compromises are simply a must in every successful Union between two people.

Problem starts when we go little bit too far and demand change with intention of shaping someone's nature&personality according our own taste and likings. The truth is,human beings are created to be very egocentric and we always strongly (subconsciously) believe that our way/vision/idea is the only right one . We tend to force our ways and points of view on others,without minding their own nature and experiences so we often forget to appreciate them who who they really are by desperately trying to turn them into something they are not.

That's not love. That's Dictatorship. Indeed.

Not everyone must fit my shoes. That doesn't mean we not compatible. If you feel like you must change everything about person you are with,then probably it's better to get a dog you can train to obey you in ways you want. Beauty of love is in power of 1) understanding someone's nature that might be different then your own 2) in finding it unique and appealing 3) in appreciating it 4) in protecting it 5) and having an impact in bettering it.

But how do we know where is a border that not supposed to be crossed between change in the name of getting the best possible version of person you love and attempt of changing who he/she is AKA becoming a dictator?

Answer is simple: you don't make someone "better" by force. You can't emotionally blackmail person to change ("If you really love me you would....."). Nah. Your job is to EFFORTLESSLY,by being YOURSELF,affect your partner's life,touch his mind and soul and become a source of motivation and inspiration for him/her but you DON'T change him/her. He/she will do it him/herself moved by genuine love he/she is getting from you.

Silly example : I'm not really housewife typa girl. I'm a woman of action,up and about,always on some matter. Not that I can't,but I don't really like spending time in kitchen. That's just me. On the other hand,my husband loves to eat his native food (he always looks like a fat cute little kid every time he sees afang soup lol).
But because I love him and he makes me happy in a million ways and I love seeing smile on his face,I learnt how to make his favorite dishes and I got so passionate about it that I made sure it will be the best he ever tasted.
Why? He didn't say "if you don't ,there is who will". Nether he said I must "go and cook because I'm a wife ".
I didn't do it out of fear,sense of obligation or pressure. I did it because it's such an amazing feeling to surprise person you love. If he demanded it by force I would not have that amazing feeling while preparing it for him. It would not be exciting. And guess what? Everyday Im learning more because my efforts are being appreciated. That's motivating. If it was any other way,if he forced me or emotionally blackmailed me to do so because "that is the normal thing every good woman does "blah blah(even if it might be so),it would be quite pointless because it would not be done out of love nether my good will.

You change your ways and you compromise for person you love because YOU WANT TO SEE THEM HAPPY. Not because there is a norm. Not because someone is threatening you or comparing you. Thats what makes it amazing. But, the catch is : it must be MUTUAL. Otherwise would be pretty much  meaningless.

You can't expect from someone to change his entire lifestyle(doesn't matter how bad it was) to please you  without you being able to put on some efforts and meet person half way.

Note to yourself: "wrong" or "right" doesn't exist . There are only different ways of getting the same thing done. We were all brought up in different ways,not to mention different cultures and systems of values,so forget that "You must do it because it's the way it SHOULD be done".

Maybe in your own world,but not necessary in my own too!

My hubby and I are from two different parts of the world,different cultures,traditions and ways that might increase individual differences between two humans,but still,no matter my good will from a very start to adapt/learn  and all the interest and love I have for his own culture,I would never ever put this much efforts if it wasn't mutual or if I didn't feel a good will from his own side to learn about my ways,points of view  and adjust in a way as well. Gotta be 50/50.

If you only expect from your partner to change and adapt that means you feel kind of superior towards him/her and life in a union with you would be equal prison because you will never be capable of understanding and appreciating your partner's true nature,needs and efforts.


  1. this is quite true, I've experienced it and its not pretty
    /I like your writing style

  2. Hmmmm,I sent my friend this link to read this cos we had similar issues are this is so true.kudos nne,jisike😃(ik interpretation)

  3. Hmmmm,I sent my friend this link to read this cos we had similar issues are this is so true.kudos nne,jisike😃(ik interpretation)

    1. Thanks for sharing! Hope she will find it helpful! Xx

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  5. Reading all your write ups one after the other and in all I find something new to learn.